It's back

....and look how subtle, sensitive and easy to close it is.





jerks.

Someone Else that just doesnt get it...

So, I filled out that review thing that FF gets you to fill out every so often. Per usual I put down the same things I always do. Yes things are great. Yes its very helpful. Yes there are a few things I would like to see added but overall the site is great. This time, however, I added that it seemed very insensitive to announce their new Pregnancy symptom analyzer thing the way they did. It was big, in-your-face, can't avoid it. It seemed rather insensitive to me to introduce it in that way when who knows how many women on the site are struggling with IF an not just TTC. I just thought they could have introduced the feature with a bit more subtlety. With a bit more compassion. Rather than:
LOOK! This is GREAT! We will rate how high your chances of pregnancy are based on your "symptoms"! All you TTCers, here's yet another thing to obsess and drive yourself crazy over! And all you IFers, here's yet another reminder that out there right now are countless women reveling in their blissful ignorance and analyzing signs that you know really mean nothing.

Ok, I didnt tell that to them exactly that way. Just that I wished they'd have been a bit more sensitive.
So, I get an email in reply to it that said they were sorry that I felt that way and that there was a "close" link.
NO SHIT!
How dumb am I? I saw that banner, got really irritated and a bit hurt and I just left the banner there. I by no means saw that little blue "close" as my lifeline to sanity and clicked it immediately. That would be idiotic!

Ya know, yeah, maybe I am overly sensitive about it all and was overreacting. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut about it. But they asked for what I would change, and I told them. I'm certain I'm not the only one to feel this way, so I thought I would just mention it. No biggie. Then they email me and patronize me? WTFever.

Possible PCOS

So I had blood works done, and it indicates that I have PCOS. Im just sure how serious to take the test. That stuff is supposed to be done on CD3. I had it done on CD63. To confuse things further I have read some things that say the test for the testosterone is only accurate on CD3, and other sources say that, no, its accurate any time. I called my doctor's nurse to ask about it and she said that they often do these tests mid-cycle, then do another test later on CD3 "to confirm". She said, though, that given my levels and "ovulation history and cycle lengths" its a pretty safe bet that I have PCOS anyway. Not that I disagree.
The last doc said she didn't see any reason to believe that I have PCOS, but she wanted me to try Met-- contradiction there? This new one, when I saw her, I asked her about it, and told her that I get those annoying wiry hairs on my neck and my face is always broken out, and that I really just can't lose weight, no matter what I do. She looked at my charts and said that it was "very possible" that I had it.
She still wants me to do the HSG to be sure that there are no problems there. I mean, whats the point in assaulting my body with met and Femara to make me ovulate if I have blocked tubes?

I'm kind of having trouble with the idea of having PCOS. Ive always known it was a possibility, or even probability, but I was able to push it out of my mind and console myself with "well, who cares if I have PCOS. I'm ovulating and that's 90% of the battle."
But this annovulatory cycle has kind of hit me hard. I keep going back to all my old charts and re-analyzing them. Did I really ovulate? Did I take the temps right? Am I seeing something that isnt there? Have I not gotten pregnant because I'm actually not ovulating?
I hate all of this doubt and confusion. I want to go back to the days when I was confident that I was going to get pregnant, and that it was going to be easy. It was just going to happen.
It doesnt help that my sister found out she had PCOS when she was about my age. Granted that was when PCOS was a fairly new diagnosis, but she wasn't ever able to have kids. That worries me. I know she's come to terms with it, but It was a long road to get there. Plus, it really upset my (step)mom to see my (step)sister go through all of that (I didnt know how much til recently when I started opening up to her about all of this IF crap) and I dont want to be responsible for putting her through all of that all over again.
I'm trying so desperately not to think about it. It's just too much. Too overwhelming. Mostly because I'm still pretty sure that I have endo. I mean, possibly PCOS and Endo? Do I have any chance at all to get pregnant? I just can't bear thinking about it. But I can't bear ignoring it either.


The good news, though, is we filled out the paperwork for the new insurance. We're officially covered. Right now we are really only covered for emergencies. So, if DH goes in to anaphylaxis or if I fall down the stairs again and break a bone, we are covered. Yay. We just have to wait for the cards to be covered for anything else.
One draw back is that while reading through all of that stuff, we saw that there's a $10,000 limit on infertility. *grumbles* So, why would they even bother putting that they cover up to 6 IUIs and 2 IVFs if they only cover $10k? Wouldnt an HSG, lap and 2 IUIs take up every dime of that $10k? But I can't complain too much because that saves us $10k, and keeps us from having to take out a home equity loan to pay for getting pregnant and the pregnancy.
Plus, now I can maybe get the oral surgery done that I need, and DH can go to an allergist like he's been needing to since he was in high school. That's a major load off.

So, today is kind of another new beginning in this TTC/IF journey. First day of Metformin. Here's hoping that the Met is different that almost any drug I've ever taken and gives me very few side effects. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Update...

Since Candice asked (thanks Candice *mwah!*) Renoir passed away.
I tried desperately to get him to eat some peas, but he refused, and a fish isnt like a dog where you can just shove it down their throats.
Im really upset over it. He was doing a lot better yesterday. I had very high hopes. When I got up this morning he was gone.

I feel miserable over it. If I just could have figured out some way to get him the eat the peas. Maybe if I put him in a smaller tank for a spell with some meds. Maybe Maybe Maybe If If If.
Its very likely that there was nothing I could have done. 'Course, there's a chance that the "pea cure" could have saved him.

Part of me never wants to get another betta again. I get so attached to them. They have such cute little individual personalities. And another part of me hates seeing this tank empty and thinks that nothing can fill it better than a betta. There are several other fish I could put in there, but a betta just suits the tank so well.

Either way, I will miss Renoir just like I miss Monet.

Maybe Insurance?

I feel like my head is going to explode.
The new company gave DH the papers on the insurance they are offering. It is still just as hellishly expensive as it was with the last company (thanks Union, I appreciate that.), but, its good insurance. It would cover quite a bit of IF and almost everything of maternity. But I'm not sure if that's worth the extra $600 a month it would cost. We can probably do it, but it would sting. A lot. And naturally I would have to get a job, but right now the only places hiring are HEB and Whataburger. So, I'd have to go back to working nights, weekends and making less than $6 an hour.
But being able to get pregnant would be worth it, right?

It might not even be an option, though. The rules with this insurance aren't clear on what qualifies as a pre-existing condition. It could be that because I just recently had an infertility consult, they wont cover any of it. So, it'd be a moot point anyway. It might only be worth it to pick up the insurance when we get ready to do IUI or IVF in hopes that I will get pregnant and the insurance will cover the pregnancy.

I think our plan right now is to wait a week or two and see if the previous company is going to call about the job here in Corpus. That job doesnt start til February, but its the company that, when there is no Union, has kick-ass, affordable insurance. And there is no Union for the job here in Corpus.
I'm not sure what to do if the HSG comes up before that two weeks. I dont want to put off the HSG. That means waiting at least one more cycle and who knows how long that will be. Could be just one month. Could be 3 or 4. Im ready to get this testing stuff done. Im ready to start seeing all those things ticked off the checklist. I really dont want to put it off now that we've finally got the ball rolling.
But putting off the HSG means that if they find something then it really will be a pre-existing condition, and if we dont get the job here in Corpus then we are royally screwed.

Im just feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.


AND I think my little betta is dying :(
I think he has a swim bladder disorder. The general course of treatment for it is to fast him for 2-3 days, then feed him a couple of peas, then wait a day and slowly add aquarium salt to his water, and slowly build up his appetite again.
Well, Tuesday he just seemed a little off. I couldnt put my finger on what was wrong. I started the fast on Tuesday night. So, I can't feed him the pea til tomorrow. He seems to be getting worse. FAST! He's having trouble getting to the top of his tank to breathe, and when he rests at the bottom, he seems to have trouble staying upright and drifts to his right side.
I hate that he's sick. It makes me feel like crap. Makes me feel even worse that the treatment is to do nothing! I can't help him.
And if the fast and pea treatment doesnt work, then, well, there is really nothing I can do. Other than watch him die.
Ive decided though, that if he doesnt make it, no more bettas. I love them. They have their own little personalities and are so beautiful and quirky, but it just breaks my heart when they pass. He's supposed to have a 5 year lifespan and I can't keep him from getting sick in 6 months??
At least, when I have tetras it doesnt phase me too much when they pass. Its just "Oh, we lost one". Thats it.

Here's the plan

I feel like there is this long road in front of me with many forks and forks off of those forks, and it looks intimidating, but I also feel relieved that I'm not wandering in the forest in the dark any more. No matter how intimidating the path is, at least I can see it now.

I met with the new doc today and I rather like her. She is very to the point and doesn't sugar coat things. I like that.

The plan right now is to wait for AF. If the Provera does its job, then that shouldn't be too much longer. When AF finally decides to visit I have to call the doc's nurse and schedule an HSG. Its probably going to be a bit of a wait for that-- or at least feel like it. She said that for most women she prefers to have the HSG done around CD10, but given that I tend to have 7-8 day periods, and that I don't typically ovulate til CD 25 or later, we are thinking that an HSG anywhere between CD12 and CD20 is better for me (I'm rooting for the 12).

Here's the forks.
If the HSG is clear:
• We try Femara. Not sure for how long. Pretty much as long as I am comfortable with. Could be one cycle, could be 6.
• If the Femara fails, then we decide between three roads-- If Im still convinced I have endo, we go to San Antonio and have a lap done up there. If I want to skip the lap, we jump right in to IUI, and for that I can stay here and do it, or go to San Antonio. Third option, is if I feel that there could be something more subtle going on than just a blocked tube, I go to San Antonio for another HSG and possibly a lap with it.
Hopefully, somewhere along that road I will get my first BFP. If I don't, then the road gets a little foggy.

If the HSG isn't clear:
• We just skip this doctor, thank her for her help and go to an RE in San Antonio to see if it can be cleared.
• Jump head first in to IVF
• And then a whole bunch more foggy roads that depend on the specific outcome of the HSG.

I am still so unbelievably relieved that this is a "me" problem and not an "us" problem. It just feels like it is so many fewer hurdles to cross.
And *holds up glass of wine* Here's hoping that the first little bullet up there gets me my BFP ;)

Trying to wrap my head around this

So, went to the doc today.

1) DH's SA came back great! Count, motility and morphology all above normal.

2) I got Provera to kick start AF. Im on CD59 and Im 99.9% sure I havent ovulated, so who knows when AF would decide to show on her own.

3) I got referred to another doc. This new doc is supposed to specialize in IF, even though she's an Ob-gyn.
Im kind of nervous about the new doc. My current doc was trying to push me in to taking Clomid a few more months. I flat refused and said that I am never taking that stuff again. The psychological side effects were just too much. She seemed to act like it was impossible to do IUI without Clomid. And, when I suggested that Ive got an inkling that I have endo, she seemed to think that a dx of endo isnt very important. She said that if endo is suspected, they typically do an IUI and after "several" failed IUIs, they do a laparoscopy and HSG. That seems a bit bass ackwards to me.

I'm hoping the new doc won't give me such a bad vibe about it all and will listen a bit more, and maybe explain a bit more.
If the new doc does give me a bad vibe I think Im just going to have to break down and go to San Antonio for everything else. I'll be able to stay with my parents in San Marcos at least and save some money. It just sucks that I might have to go 200+ mi to find a doc that can help me.

So, now I just wait out the weekend for the next appt.
No matter how worried I am, I feel so relieved! I almost cried when the doc said DH's SA was great. That had me so worried. Not only because it would be another hurdle to cross, but because I can't imagine the kind of stress DH would have put himself under. That would have torn me up. Im so glad that we dont have to worry about that and that there is one more thing checked off the list.

So, I logged on to Myspace and saw this advert:



Is it just me, or is the tummy in the Before picture more attractive than the one that is supposed to be After?
Is something like that really going to sell your product?
Is that what we are saying to women? You look great, but you still need to lose weight. Everyone needs to lose weight.

*sigh*

Things like this really makes me fear for my nieces and really makes me worry about how I will confront these kinds of things if I ever have a daughter.

Not moving.

We're not moving. DH's company didnt get the contract that they were 100% sure they were going to get. They called him and said that they were sorry and would let him know if anything opened up. Fuck them.

Woah. My dad gets it!

For a while, if DH or I brought up anything about us having trouble getting pregnant, dad would make jokes. "Its easy, take the TV out of the bed room." and other such witty *eye roll* sayings.
Lately he seems to get it. This weekend he was pestering me about why I hadnt called my mother to tell her we left to get away from the storm, and I told him that I couldnt stand talking to her because everytime I do she says something to make me mad.
I also told him that I was still mad at her over the last time I saw her over the summer. Some how we got on the subject of the increased rates of infertility and she said that she believes that infertility is caused by the Earth knowing that it is over populated and that it is spreading "diseases" to fix the problem. She also said that infertile women just needed to accept that they couldnt have kids and that it was for the good of the planet.
When I told dad what she said I think his jaw almost hit the ground, and I am still so mad over it that it took a lot to keep from crying. After I went to bed that night, DH and dad stayed up talking and DH said that he was really upset over my mother saying that to me. Really upset.

Then we went out to dinner in San Antonio at Mi Tierra and I was getting frustrated because it seriously seemed like every woman between the ages of 15 and 40 were pregnant but me. I thought it was just me being my usual bitter, infertile self seeing baby bellies left and right, but then dad suddenly said "Geez! What's with the water in this town?? There are pregnant women everywhere!" I just looked at my plate and muttered "Yeah, tell me about it." and dad just apologized like crazy. He said he was so sorry and that it was a really thoughtless thing to mention.

I almost started crying. Im so used to my friends and family just brushing over the topic or trying to "help" by telling me to relax or get drunk or have sex standing up or whatever stupid thing they were doing when they got pregnant that I didnt know hoe to react to my dad being sensitive about it.

I think my step mom has a lot to do with it. My step sister kind of went through this. I didnt know just how much she went through til recently. All I ever knew was that she found out that she couldnt have kids. That even though she was only 25 or so, she had waited too long; which probably spearheaded my desperate desire to be a mom before the age of 23 and my intense feeling of failure at being almost 26 and still childless. My (step)mom was my (step)sister's shoulder to cry on through all of that so my (step) mom saw the pain it causes in her other daughter and now Im going through it too. I get the feeling that she probably had a talk (or a few talks) with dad about it. But dad doesnt completely avoid the topic, which sometimes makes you feel like just as much of an outcast as when people brush aside your feelings, but he said things about it and really seemed to understand that it is intensely painful.

Im kind of in shock. Its a weird feeling. My family gets it. Wow. Its indescribable.

CRAP!

Uhg!
A few days ago I used an OPK on a whim and to my complete surprise it was positive. Even though we are technically on a break this cycle it was still so refreshing to see that my cycle is getting back to normal (for me) and Im actually ovulating.
Cervical position and cm confirmed that I was ovulating. Temperature seemed to confirm it, but on one morning I over slept and on the next a phone call woke me up, so naturally they were high.

This mornign it was low. Lower than low. Way to low for me to have ovulated. More than a degree and a half lower than yesterday.

CRAP!!!

How could I have a positive OPK and all the other signs and not have ovulated???

So now I just go back to wait wait waiting. Wait for AF. Wait to O. Wait to find out if we are moving. Wait to see if and when I can continue IF treatments. Wait wait wait.

Under Construction

I'm currently working on trying to fix up this blog's layout to look the way I want, rather than use a premade. Its taking me some time to get used to the coding for this site, so please bear with me. Colors may change, colors may be wrong, things could be moved, I could screw up royally and things could be completely illegible for a spell.
I apologize if anything is blinding or annoying.

Once I get it the way I want I will be wanting 100% honest opinions. Things look different on different computers, so Im going to need the comments. You have been warned ;)

Im sick of being sick

Ok, so Im not sick per se, but Ive been feeling so lousy that its making me feel sick.

Ive had constant cramping for over a week. Sometimes it is barely noticeable or just feels like pressure on my belly, and other times it feels like AF is going to be here any minute! All I can do is curl up on the couch or bed and pray for it to stop.
Ive also been getting off and on pain on the right side. Its not severe or debilitating, but it does hurt pretty bad and is starting to annoy. It feels like someone is poking me from the inside with a dull, hot knife.
Im trying not to let it worry me, but it is. Im starting to really wish I had been temping so that I at least could know where in my cycle I am and maybe shed more light on why I feel like crap.
Even if I have a normal cycle for me, then AF isnt due til late next week sometime...maybe later, so it is WAY too early for me to be having these cramping problems, plus, having them for the past week? Im just confused.

And now today Im bloated, have a headache and feel generally achy all over.
I still have some things to clean and some painting to do before some folks come in to town this weekend, and I feel like crap. Im probably not going to be able to get things as clean and pretty as I would like. I guess they will just have to deal with my house in a "lived in" kind of status than sparkly clean and organized ;)

DAMNIT!

We're not out of limbo. Uhg.

DH had an interview with the new company today and said he got the impression that they plan on hiring everyone on. So, thats good at least, we wont be out of a job, BUT (there's always a 'but') the current company claims that they are still desperately searching for a place for all those that would like to move out of this horrid town.
They will (supposedly) find out about a contract with the Air Force on Sept 10th. Bear in mind, though, this is the same contract that we were supposed to hear about exactly a year ago. The contract that was supposed to get us to San Antonio. The government put off their decision by a month, then another month, then 6 months, and so on. So, I have very little confidence that we will find out anything. Also, right around the same time we should be hearing about another contract with the Air Force--the one that would take us to Oklahoma or Missouri. But, that job wouldnt start til about the first of the year, so, we would either stay here til then, or they would try to find us a place somewhere, who knows where.

I was starting to make plans on what to do with the house. I mean, there's different frames of mind. There's the Seller's mind and the Keeper's mind. For example, if we were to stay here, then the guest room would stay blue. If we are selling, its getting painted beige. If we are keeping, I want a green accent wall in out bedroom. If we are selling, it should all be beige. If we are keeping, then I want a nice stove that perfectly matches the dishwasher and fridge, if we are selling, we are just going to give the current, nice dishwasher to the inlaws and buy plain, fairly cheap stove and dishwasher for the house.

Im so sick of this crap. Seriously. I do feel better, though, that the date is getting closer. I mean, the contract is up October 1st, so at least by then we will know something!!

Moving Right Along

So, Dh and his co-workers gave their company til this Tuesday to tell them when, where and if they are moving us. Everyone is beyond frustrated. They had been telling 7 people for the past 2 years that they are going to find places for all of them. Now, here it is, 37 days before the contract is up, and no one has found another place in the current company!

Anyway, we havent heard anything, and we dont expect to hear of anything before Tuesday. So, currently plan is we are staying here and signing on with the new company. The new company isnt required to hire the same people, but if they do hire them, they are required to keep them at the same pay rate or higher for 2 years. So that would mean we have 2 years to find something else. DH is 98% sure they are going to hire him, but he is frustrated because they are holding interviews and wont let anyone know who is hired and who isnt until Sept 15th. So, we are still in limbo, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

DH and I discussed it, and Wednesday morning, providing that we havent heard anything about a move, I am going to make an appointment with my doctor to see where we need to go now, and how much it will be for a laproscopy.

Im still not sure if I want to continue to go to this doctor, or if I want to go to an infertility clinic in San Antonio or Austin. My doc is from San Antonio, so Im sure she can refer me to an RE up there. Plus, since my dad and step-mom know all about the trouble we've been having, it wouldnt be such a big deal to stay with them when I have appointments. It would just be expensive because of gas, but its very do-able.
I'm just not sure if I want to go to an RE or stick with an OB-gyn for a bit. Having my Ob-gyn just 2 blocks down the street is nice, but it would be nice to have the expertise of an actual RE too. In either case I want to consult my current doc.

It feels a lot better to have a direction now, even if things are still uncertain, its better than just floating aimlessly, unable to do anything.
I really would have liked to have had the chance to move, but c'est la vie, and now is our chance to look for something in San Antonio or Austin, where we really want to be anyway.

As Expected...

... I am going nuts because I dont know when or if I(ve) ovulated.
I havent been temping, but I have been tracking my cm. I thought that would work because normally I get about a week of ewcm before I ovulate. Nope. Hardly any this time. Just a few sporadic days. And it was making me nutty so I took my temp when I got up, and it was high, but I also had a migraine, so that could have affected things. Uhg. I dont know.

I know I cant do anything but just wait, but its making me crazy. Its also got me concerned because last time I started a new work out routine, it was just before I started charting, I had an almost-3-month-long cycle. I dont want to do that again. That was nerve wracking. Though, Im more informed now than I was back then, so at least I wont be doing the "OMG! This HPT says negative, but its been 2 months, I HAVE to be pregnant!" thing. That was so annoying.

I guess I will just wait out AF and then decide if I want to temp next cycle even though we wont be trying.

I got TAGGED

Candice tagged me! Let's see if I can think of anything, lol.

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.


1) The instructions above originally jumped between first and second person and it was making me crazy, so I fixed it.

2) I have been able to swim since I was 6 months old. We lived near a lake, and my mom was worried about us falling in to the lake, so she got us in to baby swim classes. As a very little kid, I can remember arguing with the life guard at our local pool, because the rule was that kids under 7 had to wear life vests at all times. I distinctly remember telling him that I wasnt "a stupid little baby" and that I wouldnt wear it. The life guards gave my brother and I a swim test, which included swimming in the deep end (10 or 12 feet) swimming down, touching the bottom, and coming back up. The life guards about fell over when we did it and we got special passes that the life guards made up that allowed us to use the diving board and swim without life vests even though we were too young.

3) I am fine with doing chores, actually like some of them, but Im bad about not finishing. I dont mind doing dishes, but I hate putting them away, so the dishwasher stays full of clean dishes, and my sink gets filled up with dirty ones. Similar thing with the laundry. I dont mind doing it, but I tend to drag my feet about putting them away.

4) Im terrified of turning in to my mother, but wouldnt mind turning in to my step mom.

5) Im very bad about calling people back. Even family.

6) As badly as I want to be a mom, Im also scared of it, and occasionally, for one terrible moment, I think it might be a blessing that we dont have kids because I worry what kind of mom I will be, and then I feel horribly guilty for thinking that.


Ok, and now I need to tag people.
I tried to pick people that havent been tagged yet, but Im not sure if ya'll have or not. If you have, deal, because I dont know many people on Blogger ;)

• Vanessa
• Shari


Ok, actually, Im completely out of people that havent been tagged.
Im leaving this up to you, Candice, do I just add 4 more people that have already been tagged, or do I leave it at 2?

Did I get it back?

Last night I felt like painting, but didnt feel like wasting a precious canvas on something unplanned. While digging around in my "craft closet" (the closet in the guest room and is packed to the brim with supplies for everything from crochet projects to clay for small sculptures) I found a frosted glass bottle that I bought back in high school with the intention of painting it, but I never did. (by the by, it is very easy to paint an already frosted piece of glass, if its not frosted, you have to prep it and essentially frost it so the paint will stick)Soooo...I painted it.

Im not sure what I think of it. Im not even sure its done. DH like is and wants me to "hurry up and finish it" so we can put it somewhere in the living room.
Im just not sure I like it, BUT I know Im my own worst critic. I feel I could do better, but Id have to buy a new bottle to do that.
Oh well, good or bad, here it is, in order of "steps"...the last one is just to give a better idea of the colors. It doesnt look that bright in real life. It looks very dark, but kinda cool when the sun shines through it.

RE: last Post

Ok, so Im making a new post, but it is kind of a rely to Mandy and Joy too ;)

I think maybe I was focusing too much on making it mean something to me.
I went and got some canvases today and I think Im going to try painting some still lifes or paint from photos and see if I can do better.
Plus, for me, painting requires more concentration and effort than drawing. Drawing can be rather tedious and mindless sometimes. Painting not so much.

I think Im going to try painting and see if it all comes rushing back.
*crosses fingers* Here's hoping!

And thanks for the support ladies. You all know who you are.
I dont think Id make it through this crap without ya'll.

Use it or lose it.

So, when I was younger and was going through a very rocky time, my outlet was art. It literally saved my life.
My sketch book was like my diary. All my feelings were poured in to it. Everythought in my brain was put on the paper.

All day Ive been wanting to paint. Its like a craving. I NEED it.
I have no canvas and no paper strong enough to handle acrylic paint.
All the craft stores in this wretched town are closed on Sundays.
I settled for drawing and broke out my Prismacolors.

I drew and drew and drew and drew and drew....and it turned out crap.
I want to rip up the drawings. They are just awful.
I used to be good. I used to be talented.

Its the curse of many artists, when youre depressed and things are going wrong, you can paint, sculpt, sing, write, whatever, all day long. When youre happy, there is no inspiration.
I spent the past 5 years happy. Painting and drawing fell to the side.
Kael, my dogs, my house, my friends became my inspiration and my art.
Now I need my outlet. I need to draw, and Ive lost the talent I used to have.
I lost the ability to see it in my mind and put it on paper, or canvas, or plaster, or whatever. Its gone.

Drawing used to be therapy, now it is torture. I draw, then pull it back and look at it, and its shit! Complete shit!
The only thing I was ever good at is gone now. Now when I really, desperately need it.

Random rant.

Random Rant #1
My dogs need a yard :(

Im so sick of not having a proper yard. Its really annoying.
We have a little patio (about 10 ft by 10ft) with a tiny patch of dirt (a triangle thats about 3 ft on each side) and the rest is concrete.

Well, even though it is completely enclosed, we still get a ton of lizards and bugs in it.

I guess Chelsea is bored because she keeps sitting at the back door watching for critters, then barks at me to open the door when she sees one.
I want to leave the door open for her to just go out and chase them when she pleases, but it is soooo hot out. Its 7pm and the heat index is 99°! Have I mentioned that August is my least favorite month of the year?

DH and I are convinced. If we end up moving, we are probably going to be in an apartment for a year or so, then we are getting a proper house with a proper yard and a DOGGIE DOOR! And its not because Im too lazy to take the dogs out, but because they LOVE having a yard. I mean LOVE it. And they love to come and go as they please.
When we go to my dad's at about 6 or 7 am when he gets up he just goes and opens the back door to let the dogs and cat out and just leaves it open. Chelsea and Snickers (Snickers was my dog, now he's my dad's dog) have a ball! They will walk about for hours sniffing the ground, then sitting on the patio and sniffing the wind, then back to the grass. Theodore likes it, but just because he doesnt have to wait for Chelsea to do her business to go back in.
You can tell that Theo and Mitzi (dad's other dog) were strays because they go out, do their business, and then bolt for the A/C.

I think even if we dont move we will still get a proper house.
DH works about 50 miles south of here, and if we stay, the University I want to go to is in that town too. Whats the point in both of us driving down there every weekday just to be near the city conveniences on the weekends? It would make more sense to live in that crappy little town and drive up to Corpus on the weekends.
So, either way, in roughly a year, we're moving to a house. Hopefully.



Random Rant #2
Im so ticked off at Kael's work.
Uhg.
For the past 2 months they have him on nights for a week or two, then change their minds and want him on days. Then they change their minds again and put him back on nights. So every few weeks he gets two days to completely flip his sleep schedule. He has to go from sleeping from about 10am to 6pm to sleeping from about 8pm to about 4am. And because of it, he's getting sick, allergies are bothering him more than usual, and he's so freaking grumpy all the time.
NOW this past Thursday they tell him "Oh, by the way, we need someone to work on Sunday, and no one has volunteered, so you're doing it." Every fucking time they have no one volunteer for OT he gets forced in to it!
So, last week he was working nights. He got off work at 7am Friday morning. He has to be back at work at 4:30 am Sunday morning! How insane is that??? And he had no say so!
I told him he could put his boss on the phone and I could tell her where to get off, but he said it wasnt worth it since he will really only have that job for 2 more months. But that means 2 MORE months of them screwing him around like this.
Plus the stress of being in limbo. Are we moving, are we not? Is he going to have a dependable job, or not? Do we have to get the house ready to sell, or not? Plus this TTC bullshit.
Im seriously on the verge of driving down to his work with him tomorrow and going off.

TTC Stress

Ok, here's the TTC part--which, ya know, is why I made this blog.

Last night DH lost it. I mean lost it.
I was listening to a new cd I got, and wasnt paying attention and glanced over and he was crying. I kind of froze. I didnt know what to do. Ive only seen him cry twice.
Once, his dad was really sick, and his mom was making it seem worse than it was, anyway, DH broke down.
Second time was when we both had BAD food poisoning, and along with taking care of himself, he took care of me too (I didnt expect him to, and for a long time I didnt know he was sick too, but I was too sick to object) and when he was feeling better he broke down just because he was so stressed and felt so awful. I mean, I had been crying for almost 18 hours straight, I can completely understand him crying over it too.
Both times, though, he cried for 10 minutes, maybe. Then regained himself and acted like it never happened.

Last night was random. He was just sitting on the couch crying, and when Id ask him whats wrong, hes just bawl "I dont know!".
It had me COMPLETELY freaked out. It was over an hour. I kept trying to calm him down, but it made it worse. And he kept hugging me so hard that Id have to push him away because I couldnt breathe.
He finally said he thinks its because for the past year I have been a ball of nerves over this TTC stuff. Ive been sick, Ive been an emotional mess, Ive been obsessive, Ive really just been an utter mess. He said me being so upset for so long just got to him.
Im kind of mad because all the times he just brush me off when Id get mad or upset. he never told me it upset him too! He just acted like I was over reacting. Now I kind of think he brushed me off because he wanted to shield himself form getting upset with me. I think, being a guy, he didnt know that admitting that it got to him too would make me feel less isolated, and therefore, maybe, less upset.

Anyway, all day Ive seriously been considering just giving up on TTC til the beginning of 2009. I really dont want to, and I know the first month of not temping or using OPKs will freak me out because I wont know when to expect AF, but I just dont know if TTC is right for us right now. I mean, its causing this much stress, and with the possibility of moving cross country in 2 months (and it will be spur of the moment if we do) we really need to save every penny and cant afford to go to counseling. And there are no IF support groups here. I dont know why I even bothered looking, I mean, there are no RE's and the only OB-GYN office that is supposed to specialize in infertility gives you a weird look when you say "I want to get pregnant and I cant" because they are so used to "I dont want to get pregnant, but I am".

Ok, back on track. I just dont know. I wonder if giving up on TTC for a few months will just add to the stress. I mean, its not like seeing pregnant women or hearing about ANOTHER friend being pregnant will hurt any less if we are "not trying, but not preventing" so a part of me cant really see how it would help, but also a part of me thinks it may be what we need. Kind of like a vacation without leaving home.

What really stinks is that it will be a few days before I can talk to DH about it. He's asleep right now for work in the morning, then when he comes home tomorrow he will likely be exhausted and grumpy and not up for a long, emotional discussion, and I expect the same thing Monday.
Im also scared to bring it up because I know I wont be able to resist crying and Im scared it will upset him again. I feel so utterly guilty over that whole thing. I mean, I had no idea how upset I had been making him. I feel like such a selfish bitch, and now I am scared to bring up anything TTC with him.


Sorry this is so long, I needed a good rant, and I didnt want to crowd the boards with my long-winded, selfish ramblings. So, thanks if you got through this, and I apologize for misspellings or anything that didnt make sense. I did this kind of similar to free writing and just typed what came in to my head, which is very therapeutic by the way, and I feel loads better.

CD1

So, its time for an update, yes? Yes.

Im on CD1 and Im am NOT continuing with the clomid. I didnt realize how lousy I felt on it, til I was off it. I know it means I will be probably ovulating around CD25 and possibly anytime between CD15 and CD...well...nothing, and that is frustrating when you dont know when to even expect it, but it was far more frustrating being an utter emotional basketcase and everything sending me in to crying jags and/or panic attacks.

Im not even sure if I should keep track of my ovulation. I mean, at this point, its habit. I dont expect to get pregnant.
We have been charting for the past year and 2 months. We started trying 6 months before that. We started the "not trying, not preventing" stuff 3 months before that. And for the 2 years before that we technically werent using protection. *coughpulloutcough*
If, through all of that we havent gotten pregnant, I dont think we will without medical intervention. Ive come to the conclusion, that since its been this long and Ive never been pregnant even though I ovulate pretty much every month and we time it perfect there is one of 3 things going on:

1) DH has an extremely low sperm count.
2) One or both of my tubes are completely blocked.
3) something is wrong with my uterus and the eggs are unable to implant.

Thats all I can figure.
And since finding out that my mom had endo (Im STILL mad that I didnt find out til now, btw) I am more convinced than ever that I probably have it and it is causing problems.

We are still in limbo, though.
DH still hasnt heard anything new on the job. Right now it is sounding like there is a 45% chance we are staying here, 45% chance of going to Charleston, and a slim chance of going to San Antonio, Oklahoma City or Kansas City. So, basically its still a toss up. A move means kick ass insurance that will be the key of us getting pregnant. Staying means we can probably do a lap, but if we need to do anything else (like IUI or IVF) t will probably be a year or more before we can.
In either case, barring a crazy miracle (I cant think of a better word) I dont see us getting pregnant anytime this year, and thats a really hard pill to swallow.
We've been trying so long that I dont really know how to do anything else, but I also have been doing this long enough to know that it just isnt going to happen on our own.

I think Im just out of hope. Ive had to take what little I have left and send it off to the horizon and pray that in 6 months a new year will bring new chances.

As soon as we hear one way or the other on a job Im going to kick in to gear. I mean, if we get one with the kickass insurance I will be worried about moving and fixing up the house. If we end up having to stay here, well then we are going to find a way to get the money together to have a lap asap.

And ya know, even though I had no hope for this cycle, Im still heartbroken that AF came on time. I was hoping it would be a little late at least. I think Ive become addicted to those last 3 days of my cycle. That flutter of hope that maybe this is it. Looking forward to what my due date would be and thinking of what relatives have birthdays close to it. This time it snuck up on me. I wasnt keeping good mental track of my cycle, and was thinking I had at least 2 more days til it started, but nope. Here it is. On time. No flutters. No hope. Just a crushing sensation of all the weight I put on myself and the guilt of what Im doing to my husband, and then all that damned physical crap that goes with it and knowing that none of it will ease up in the next 3 days.

Trying to get a grip

So, DH and I decided that we are taking a break from Clomid this cycle.
Im just losing it. I start crying randomly, I feel self-conscious, and I am getting fairly bad agoraphobia and panic attacks. Just going to the store took so much out of me emotionally, that I would come home and sleep for hours.

Im 7 days in to my "Clomid break" and I was hoping it would make a big difference, but I still feel the crazy up and downs of it. The past 3 months I have hardly left the house because being around too many people just makes me feel like Im going to lose it (either break down crying or fly in to a rage) at the drop of a hat.

Last Thursday I plucked up some courage and went to a friend's house, something I havent done in quite a while.

Background: Jason and James are brothers. James has 4 kids, all almost stair steps, and his wife is wanting them to have another. Jason and his wife have had 4 m/c, the docs dont know why, and have really stopped trying because she has depression and anxiety problems anyway, and adding to it was, well, lets just say it was too much for her. (Not talking down about her, I really feel so bad for her, because I can tell it really upsets her, but she doesnt talk about it, and Im not about to push her).

So, when we went over there, it was Jason, his wife Jessie, James, me and Kael. Kael asked James where his wife was and he said "At home with the kids. Someone's gotta watch them."
DH, trying to be funny, but also trying to give him the hint not to talk about his kids too much said "Oh yeah, rub it in, man."
Jason said "Yeah, no kidding. We've been trying for over five years."
and Kael said "Yeah, we're just almost at the two year mark."
Jason: "It sucks huh?"
Jessie looked down at her drink, and the look on her face and the sadness in Kael and Jason's voices, and then James looking so guilty. I almost lost it. Really. I was thisclose to walking out side because I was going to start crying.
I managed to keep it together. Not a single tear. I was SO proud of myself. Kept it in.
I started thinking that maybe Im going back to normal and allowing myself to feel sad about things without losing it completely.

On Friday we went to the In-Law's. We were there all day. All. Day.
For some reason near the end of the evening I couldnt take it. I felt just uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was yelling, when they werent, I got this crazy nauseated, scared feeling when MIL or SIL would hug me. I ended up going out to the car, and cleaned it while crying. Kael came out to talk to me but I just couldnt stop crying.
I dont even really know why! Its like I felt like everything (emotionally) had just caved in on top of me. I was mad at everyone and sad too, and uhg! I was mad at myself for losing it when I thought I had control of my crazies. So, I got it together long enough for us to stay there another 30 mins or so. Just long enough to say "bye" really.

Saturday I did okay. Felt sad randomly, then happy, then sad, but no breakdowns.
Today the same up and down, but when we went to see Wall-E I cried at the beginning. It wasnt even sad. But I teared up. Dunno why. :roll:
And Im still getting the ups and downs, but no crazies yet.

Uhg, Im sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent. I still feel like Im losing it, though its more mild than before. Im thinking maybe I need to take next month off of Clomid too.
I think I just feel disappointed. I thought I was getting a grip, but now? *sigh*. I did manage to get the point across to DH that Im not being anti-social or rude when I dont go places with him lately, but that it really does take a major toll on me. All this coming and going this weekend, I have been sleeping like crazy. Sleeping all night long, and taking naps...though its a nice switch since Ive been having insomnia problems, but Id rather not have to go in to an spiraling, burning emotional wreck to get that sleep.

Maybe the Clomid isnt worth it. Maybe I should just skip the next 2 or 3 months of it and just go to the next step.
Im just so sick of this hopeless feeling...but I dont think that is going away anytime soon. On or off Clomid.

Life just isnt fair...

So, pretty much everyone reading this knows about all this. Our friend struggled for so long and finally got her BFP and I think all of us were over the moon for her. Such a sweet person, really genuine and she finally got that blessing. Everything goes along fine then BAM! Gone.
I cant imagine the pain she's going through. I feel utterly sick for her. I feel so upset for her, so sad and so very very angry!
Why does this happen? Why???
So many out there can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, even when they dont want to, even when they use protection, even when they are drug users or drink even when they know they are pregnant or they do everything in their power to get rid of the pregnancy. Then others, that are so very very deserving, have to struggle so hard. They have to wade through the pain and the heartache for so very long seemingly to no avail!!! It isnt right!!!!


Last night DH had some friends over and they were all outside, so I got bored and watched Sex & the City because it was the only thing on. Naturally its the episode where Miranda, who has a "lazy ovary", gets pregnant unexpectedly by some guy that has one testicle AND Charlotte found out she had anti-sperm antibodies.
Ya know, it does make me feel better when I see infertility being addressed on tv shows and when they show that it truly is a struggle, but uhg, it just made me feel like crud too. Just a reminder of all those frustrations and fears.
Though in the show, they did a semi-good job of showing some of the idiotic things people say and how hurtful and ridiculous they are (EX: "Well, cant Miranda just give Charlotte her baby?") so, I guess thats a plus, yes?

Its just so infuriating. I wish it could be just as simple as getting a drivers license or something. Pass a little quiz, congratulations here's your BFP.

*muttering*

I hate rude, self-centered, idiotic bitches.






*end transmission*

GRRRRR

I know I havent been on here in a while and I apologize. I really do. Ive just been kind of down lately and havent really wanted to moan and whine to myself about it. But I need to vent so here it is:

This was in a thread talking about infertility and heredity. Most of the women were basically saying that their moms were fertile mytles, but they wonder if back in the line (grandmas and aunts) there werent some others that had problems and maybe there is something to the heredity thing. So then someone posts:

My mum got pregnant very easily. Once on the pill, once using condoms and twice after being steralised.

I am pregnant with my fourth and took 6 months, 2 months, 1 month, and 3 months respectively to fall with them.

My mum was adopted because her adoptive mother tried for years for a baby but never managed it and adopted after about 7 years.

Her birth mother had two babies adopted as well as one she kept so I guess she fell easily too.

I wonder if there is a general link (I know it doesn't automatically follow for everyone)

And I think she's saying that her grandma had problems and she really doesnt so it works both ways and that her mom fell pg eaily so maybe that why she did too. (At least I hope thats what she is saying! I hope she isnt saying that she thinks she has IF problems) But doesnt that seem like a slap in the face to be posting on a TTC board?
Its like:
"All of you are venting because its been months or years and you still cant get pregnant! And look at me, I have four kids and it took me less time to fall pregnant with them collectively than its taking some of you to fall pregnant with #1! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

It just really irked me. And her siggy was full of BF blinkies and ones about her kids ( "You cant scare me, I have 3 kids", etc). Woman! What the hell are you doing on an IF site?! I know some use it for charting, but seriously, it seems like she's being an insensitive bitch for getting on General TTC and throwing in her "advice" on things.

Im back:)

So Im back on FF. That didnt last long, I was worried that it would be a few days.

Thanks for the love ladies.

Im still ticked though, Kelly said it beautifully:

I completely agree.
Im ticked also because I got suspended or whatever they call it. Even if it was short it was unjust.
I personally make it a point to avoid the drama. When the drama starts up, I literally walk away. I have better things to do than deal with some immature women that think they are somehow better than any other woman on the planet because they managed to have multiples. Im telling you ladies, I dream of having twins or trips. I would be over the moon if I managed to get pregnant with multiples (mostly because Im so scared that we will only be able to have one child and Ive always wanted a big family, so I worry that having multiples will be our only chance at that) but I can tell you, I wouldnt go to their MoM board. And I wouldnt be a high-and-mighty bitch about it and rub it in everyone's face. Congratulations MoMs you managed to get 2 or 3 or however many eggs fertilized instead of one. Whoop-de-friggin-do. Want a cookie?

Im so irritated, those witches come over to "our side" uninvited and uninstigated (is that a word?) and WE are the ones that get suspended and reprimanded?! Seriously I feel like Im back in middle school. It doesnt matter who started it, anyone caught fighting or name calling gets suspended. Plus I wasnt even name-calling!!!!!!!


GRRRRR! Im so annoyed.

Blogging

I have been a really horrid blogger and blogging friend. Im sorry :(

I updated "My Stops" with ya'lls blogs to remind myself to keep up with them. Im sorry I havent been. I kind of forgot about Blogger at all.

So, look at My Stops, if youre not there and want to be, let me know (that means any of my FF sisters that have a blog and arent there, because that means I didnt know you had a blog OR it is private and I cant read it). If you dont want your name used or dont want a link there, let me know and I will change it or remove it.

Im sorry ladies, I really am.

My name is Ani and I vow to be a better friend ;)

Well...

....it was only a matter of time, but seriously I could have gotten banned for actually doing something wrong. I dont know why Im banned.

I dont even know if Im banned. I can read posts but not post myself (which is BEYOND irritating).

Anyone know how long this will last?

My dear FF friends leave me love until I can rejoin you :)

Uhg

I hate mother's day. Im glad I didnt have to do anything today, and Im actually really glad my mom didnt answer the phone when I called.
Ive been in a bad mood the past two weeks in anticipation of this miserable day and thank goodness it is almost over.

Pity party

Yup BFN at 11dpo. I know 11dpo is a bit early, but Im pretty sure the negative is accurate.
I was fine with it at first, but as the day went on, I just got depressed. I dont know why, I mean, I was okay with it. Next cycle we are doubling the Clomid, so that increases my chances that much more right? But still the BFN is getting to me. You'd think that after 16 months 12 cycles of them Id be used to it, ya know? I even knew it would be negative this time. I knew the odds were against getting pregnant on the first round of Clomid, plus the 11 BFN cycles before it should have given me a big clue, but still, I so hoped I was wrong.
Im so mad at myself for getting so upset, but still Im upset.
Im starting to feel like I just cant take it any more. I know that compared to some others Im still at the beginning of this journey, but I dont know how much more I can take! I feel like Im losing it. Im so sick of it! But if I stop trying, its not like its going to hurt any less when I see cute babies or toddlers in the grocery store or when my freinds announce their pregnancies, so I should just keep trying right?

I feel so envious of the people that believe that there's a grand plan. I know they are aching too, but they can confidently say that they believe everything will work out in the end. I, on the other hand, feel like things rarely work out just the way I want. The only thing Ive ever wanted to be is a wife and mother. Ive never been a lucky person, and a part of me wonders if Ive just used up all my luck. There was a time when I never, ever thought I would be with a man as wonderful and giving and perfect as Kael. For the first 2 years of our relationship I kept waiting for him to realize that he could get so much better than me and kick me to the curb. When we got married I cried my eyes out because there was a part of me, even up to just before we said "I do", that didnt think it would ever happen. I am beyond lucky to have him, and there is this annoying little voice in my head that keeps telling me that I already got more than I deserve, why should I ever expect to have even one child, let alone the 3 or 4 I always dreamed of?

I just keep getting this horrid hopeless feeling, and I know thats a dangerous feeling to have, but I cant seem to shake it. I know the drill, and I know it usually goes away around CD3 (who knows when that will be since Clomid tends to make some women's LPs longer), but it feels so much stronger this time. More devastating.

And I need to stop this bad habit. Some women, when depressed go shopping for shoes or something. I go shopping for pets. When I dont have the money for a pet, I get a plant. I got a new betta today. I already love him, he's so cute! Just stunning! I had almost forgotten since Monet's passing. But I dont think its a healthy way to deal with this. I mean, if this goes on much longer, Im going to end up with a tropical rainforest, both flora and fauna, in my house. It took Kael practically dragging me out of the store to keep me from getting another rat, and if I had my way we'd have a new cat, rabbit, rat, 75 gallon tank and maybe a german shepherd or something. Maybe I should take up buying shoes and handbags to deal. It may be cheaper.

Little Mini freak out

I think Im imagining things...but maybe not.

Last night I went to the bathroom and I had slight cramping but I didnt think much of it, thought it was maybe gas. All of a sudden while in the bathroom it felt like AF had come. The cramps were BAD and had me doubled over. Well, I did my business, still trying to convince myself it was gas, and when I wiped there was a little stripe of blood. Not pink, not brown, but red blood as though AF were here.
I almost cried and wiped again. Nothing.
I washed my hands and checked inside. Nada.

I cant figure out where in the hell it came from!
And, even weirder is it happened before. The day before I O'd. Except I was in the shower that time. I was washing, saw some blood on the sponge, freaked, and didnt see any more blood. And I had sudden cramps then too.

I dont know whats going on.
It cant be spotting, right? I mean, spotting doesnt make a sudden stripe of blood out of no where and leave nothing else right?
Im so freaked out.
I kind of want to post it on FF in General TTC or something, but Im kind of embarrassed to.
Someone please tell me this is normal and doesnt mean anything bad is going on!

Almost O-ing

Uhg, Ive been standing on the precipice of ovulation for a week now! But Im sure it is almost here if it hasnt occured already.
My OPK yesterday was more-or-less positive and I was pretty happy with it. Then this morning my test line was darker than the control line. Yay! Never seen that before.

Last night and this morning I had AF-like cramps. Im hoping thats just the Clomid or me ovulating.

Yesterday and the past 3 days or so my cervix has been so high that I couldnt touch it, and now today its very very low. But...that means Ive already ovulated right? But the overtly positive OPK means Im going to ovulate in roughly 24 hours, yes? ....so Im confused.

In any case my temp indicates that as of 7 this morning I havent ovulated. Hopefully tomorrow's will be sky high :)

*AH-CHOO*

I dont know how my house gets so dusty. I have a kind of schedule so that every room in the house gets a thorough cleaning one day a week. I vacuum, sweep, mop and dust. The needing to vacuum and sweep I get. I have 2 dogs. The floors get filthy, but the dust? I have to dust constantly! Im allergic to dust, so even when I try to use those things that are supposed to make the dust stick to them and not put them in the air, I still sneeze. Then I start getting a horrid sinus headache that starts to turn in to a migraine, so I have to stop cleaning.

Where does all this dust come from?? Is it because my house is so old? Is it the critters? Is it just me?
I dont get it.
I feel like I am always cleaning.

Can someone tell me...

...how to post images without them having that obnoxious border around them?
Ive tried using just a simple img src code, but it isnt working.

What is up with...

...horoscopes being creepy lately. For a year I check my horoscope everyday and they all dont apply to me in any way, shape, or form. They all tell me to be on the look out for a new love interest. Right.
Then after being a ball of nerves after dealing with my narcissistic, manipulative mother this weekend I get this:

"A difficult person has had you tearing your hair out in the past, but you are slowly learning how to handle them. The key is to feed their ego without letting them detect that you know how little confidence they have in themselves. You hold the upper hand in this situation, so take control. You won't have to work too hard to put them at ease around you. Believe it or not, it's the fact that they are so intimidated by you that is causing them to act so disagreeably."

And we're back....

Uhg, Im exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

My mom just completely exhausts me.
It happens most of the times that I go up there. I go to my dad's, talk about old times and inevitably get reminded of all the selfish crap my mother pulled when I was a teen (and when I was a kid but the stuff when I was a teen was bad) and my step-mom talks about all that crap and reminds me of stuff I had forgotten. I fight back tears and just act like it doesnt bother me, which is exhausting. Then I go and see my mother and pretend that I dont remember any of that crap. Hell, I have to pretend that I dont even know about most of that crap because if I brought it up she'd just cry and say that my father is brainwashing me. Uhg. So I smile and pretend Im having a great time and count down the minutes til I can go back to my dad's. Kael bites his tongue and tries not to go off on her for all the crap she did to me and put me through.
My shoulders hurt now from nerves.
And the highlight of my conversation was my mother talking about the increasing infertility rates (she knows we are TTC but not that we are having trouble) and my mother laughed when I told her that there is a school of thought that thinks the increasing cases of PCOS are caused by either an increasing number of women having a heightened awareness of their bodies and therefore are more likely to go to a doctor and seek help OR because of processed foods and perhaps hormones in meats and such causing who knows how many problems. She laughed and said "Some people will believe anything huh? Maybe its just because people these days always want to gripe about something, or just because more people in the world are fat. I bet if every one in the world lost 20 lbs, the cases of crap like that would go down". Kael had to hold my hand because I was fighting the urge to slap her.

I got my furniture back, though. And lots of other random crap from my childhood. I dont know what to do with that stuff. Its like journals from 1st and 2nd grade and old sketch books and things like that.

Kael isnt sure how the interview went. Some things seem to have gone poorly, while others seem very promising, so we are confused.

So, we are back home, back in limbo, back in normality.

hopefully we can find the energy to BD every night for the next week and make this clomid do its job.

And We're off..

We're off to San Antonio this afternoon. Kael finally has an interview at one of the AFBs up there. WHOO HOO!

We're going to be staying at my dad's, which is cool, he lives in between San Antonio and Austin.
The sucky part is, my mom and step-dad got divorced recently and my furniture from when I was a kid is still over there. My dad's mom gave that stuff to me when I was 3, and when I was living with my dad, dad demanded that stuff back. Mom said no way and kept it. A year after I moved out on my own, mom started bugging me to take it all back so she could use my old room as a guest room. GRRR! Yeah, she wouldnt let me have it when I lived with my dad and had a whole extra room to put all of that stuff in, but once I moved out, and shared a tiny 2 bedroom apt with a roommate and my dad moved to Louisiana she wanted me to take all that stuff back?! UHG! She infuriates me!
She's been bugging me for years to take it back and I havent had the space, or the time. With our truck, it would take 2 trips to get it all. Thats 3 hours up there, load up the truck, 3 hours back, un load, 3 hours up there...you get it. Plus we only got the truck last year. We had no way to get it before then. I dont think a large day bed, shelf and writing desk will fit in our Impala or in my Neon.

So, when mom moved out, she got her own house north of San Antonio with 4 bedrooms and just her....and left my furniture with my step dad. Yeah. She didnt even tell me they were divorcing. She called me to say "Happy New Year" and "Oh by the way, I have a new phone number because Rod and I divorced." Thanks for keeping everyone informed, mom.
She didnt take any of my stuff or my brother's just told us to come get our stuff from a house that isnt in our family any more.

Im also so pissed at her for what she did to my brother. My brother was living with her at the time. Yeah. He came home from work and there was a moving truck out front. He found mom and asked her what was going on and she said "If you want your stuff, you'd better pack it now." Then he asked where her new house was so he could stay there, and she wouldnt tell him. Know why? Because his car leaked oil and she didnt want oil on her new white driveway or on the street in front of her house (what would the neighbors think?). So my brother spent that night in his car and now he is staying with my grandparents, who really should be enjoying retirement, not taking care of my brother because my mother wont.

So...we have to go up there, go to this interview, play nice with my mom and step dad so I can get my furniture, and then take it up to Austin because my dad has a spare room and he said I can just fill up one of the rooms with it. That way he can use it for my nieces when they come down in the summer until Kael and I have a big enough place for it.

Uhg, I hate this. I love going up to San Antonio, but it is going to be poisoned by all this crud. Ya know, my mom pulls this crap, then wonders why when we go up there we stay with my dad and not her. She asked me to stay up there this weekend, but I could leave the dogs, and maybe my husband at my dad's. yeah. The woman just infuriates me to no end.
So here's this trip that should be filled with good vibes and hope and instead Im left with a knot in my stomach because I have to spend a day or two with her.

Ok, that was a long rant. Im sorry.
Good news.....ish...we start BDing this weekend. Maybe being in Austin will be good luck and we can finally make a friggin baby. The sucky part will be sneaking to do it. Im not too crazy about the idea of sleeping in my dad's house and having to sneak and have sex.
Im going to have to sneak and use OPKs too. Hope I can pull this off :P

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. No doubt I will be back on this site on Sunday or Monday to vent about my family:P

So...

DH spilled the beans to his mother. Now I just have to wait for the fun to start.


Clomid has been kicking my butt. Name a side effect and Ive got it. Im tired, I get hot flashes, Im nauseated and bloated, I have headaches and I am an emotional basket case. I have been going from supremely pissed off to inconsolably sad to manically happy in about 3 seconds. DH doesnt seem to understand why I dont want to go anywhere. I am perfectly fine laying on the couch and maybe doing laundry and dishes and all that. I dont know why he cant let me do that for a week or so.

Last night he went to his mom's house so she could cut his hair and he called me and asked if I wanted to eat dinner over there. I looked at myself in my pajamas, hair a mess, and eyes puffy from crying at the Dog Whisperer, and said "No." He begged and really insisted that I needed to, so I crammed my fat, bloated self in to some jeans and found my only baggy shirt. I pulled my hair in to a ponytail and tried to put on makeup to cover the puffies and the zits and went over there.

On the way over Kael told me "I told my mom".
"You told your mom what?"
"I told her youre taking medicine to get pregnant"
"Thanks Kael."
Cuz I'M the one trying to get pregnant right? Not us, but ME, huh?
If he was going to tell her, why couldnt he just tell her and then NOT insist that I go over there? Say "Well, the meds are making her sick, so she's staying home".
It really infuriates me. Ive told him before that I dont want either of our parents to know we are trying. HIS parents havent been bugging us about it. Now they will be, you can bet on it. And what if it takes us another 5 years to conceive? Am I going to have to go in to detail about our treatments with my mother-in-law for the next 5 years?

And uhg! When I went over there it already started. "How are you feeling hun?" Like Im a time bomb about to blow up. His mom was walking on eggshells around me. And that just made me mad and sad and want to scream. And she kept hugging me and touching me when I was really hot and trying to hide it and didnt want to be touched.

GRRR! Ok, so I know Im over reacting, but it still makes me mad. I dont know why Kael doesnt get this stuff. I dont know why he cant just listen to me.

Im supposed to paint the guest room today, but I think Im going to lay on the couch. I just have 2 more days of the Clomid and them maybe a few days for this gross feeling to wear off, right? The guest room can wait.

Another Horoscope

Ok, Im not one much for believeing horoscopes, but this one is giving me some hope:)

Good stuff will be happening to you today (or quite soon), although it might be a bit difficult for you to accept it! You have a curiosity that can sometimes get in the way of appreciating the goodness in your life -- you want to know why things are happening, and how. But in order to enjoy the upcoming good times, you're going to have to let go of this need-to-know when it comes to why all of these things are happening. Get used to the unknown. Try to just be grateful for it!

I think...

That my horoscope is telling me to stay off of OT :P

"You must be incredibly disciplined today -- so keep your eye on the ball! There will be a multitude of distractions for you, today. These could range from some sort of spontaneous party to a nagging sensation that you are forgetting to do something. But in order to get things done, you need to stay focused on the task at hand. Once you've focused, you can check out whatever's going on. Don't worry -- you will have plenty of free time and an abundance of energy for fun today!"



Oh well, the dishes and laundry and painting and vacuuming and taking the trash out can wait :P

Back to "Go".

CD 1 again. *sigh*


But, I got my Clomid.

Please God let it work! Please please please!
Maybe it will make me O normally, so that at least if I dont get my BFP, I will be able to try again fairly soon.

And this AF sucks. My whole back is killing me, my tummy is hurting so bad Im nauseated and legs hurt from thighs to toes. Uhg.
Im so sick of this and its barely started.

This is hopefully going to be my shortest "Waiting to O" phase ever, and will probably feel the longest.

Still Pouting.

Im so annoyed. I finally ovulated like a normal person, and didnt get pregnant. I was really hoping it would work this time. Granted we didnt expect for me to ovulate so early so we didnt really BD, it was more like just having sex. But still. Does laying down for 30 minutes afterward really make that much of a difference?

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon and Im hoping that she will start me on either Clomid or Metformin (or both) asap. The goal of either one would be to get me to ovulate at around CD 15 rather than CD 25 or later and maybe have more of a chance of getting that BFP. But Im just not so sure that just ovulating earlier will really help...although, on the other hand, I really dont think Im ready emotionally or financially for a gamut of tests to figure out what is wrong.

Maybe its just PMS, but I am just incredibly frustrated and Im feeling so hopeless. Anything and everything today is making me irate and depressed. Harmless posts on OT are making me want to scream. I just cant get away from it. And apparently I look up fertility related things on the computer enough that every page I go to that has advertisements about diapers or breast pumps or some such thing. I cant escape it. Im starting to feel very apprehensive about the appointment just because I know Im going to be stuck in a waiting room, alone this time, with who knows how many pregnant women griping about back aches and morning sickness and the baby kicking them in the bladder or kidney or ribs or whatever. Uhg.

Im just feeling so down today when I should be feeling hopeful. Im so sick of feeling this way every single freaking cycle.

And it starts

My temp dropped today. Bah.
So much for a 2008 baby.
Kind of an early temp drop though. Im only 9dpo. But last cycle it started falling this early I think, so I guess AF is on her way.

Oh well.
Time to pout. Then get over it. Then look forward to starting Clomid.

OMG! I feel better!

Ive been very worried because it looks like we will be moving, and if we do, it will be very short notice. It will be pretty much, they give Kael the interview (thats what we are waiting on) and then say "Ok, be up here in 2 weeks". Not much time to try and sell our house. We will probably have to move in with my dad until the house sells and that has me worried because I dont want to impose on my dad for 6 months, 8 months, a year, whatever it takes to sell this thing.

When we bought our house, we got lucky. Its a very quiet townhome complex. Mostly elderly. The homeowners association is FANTASTIC! Our house is right in front of a beautifully maintained park. In the spring the maintenance people replace the plants with flowering bushes and vines. There are always butterflies and hummingbirds around because of it. It is just amazing. In the summer, they replace the dying flowers with bright green bushes. In the winter, they decorate it beautifully for Christmas. Its just amazing. Most weekends in December, they rent out the gazebo for local choirs to hold small concerts, so because of where we are we can open the windows and see all the great lights, a big Christmas tree and hear a choir singing carols.
(ok, I ended up rambling)
ANYWAY...the inside left quite a bit to be desired. The house was built in 1968 and it had NEVER been updated. Almost every wall was covered in tacky, busy, foil wall paper. The stove, dishwasher and fridge were harvest gold (well, the stove still is). The den and kitchen have hideous black laminate on the floor. All the light fixtures were gaudy brass and fake crystal.
The house was very well taken care of (aside from the cigarette burns on the bathroom counter and floor) but just never updated. We've been slowly fixing things as we get the money, but its mostly been paint, and its been a learning process as we go.
We got lucky because most of the houses in this neighborhood, when we bought it, were selling for roughly $115k. We got this one for 95k (because it needed so much updating and because the seller wanted to be rid of it).

Ive been worried because it seems like every week another house in our complex goes on the market, and none sell. Usually the ones around the park sell fastest and there are currently 2 around the park for sale, and they have been for quite some time.
We've been trying to think about what we need to do to the house to sell it fast, but enough to get something out of it. Most the houses here are 3 bedrooms, and ours is a 2. I know that's a big strike against us.

Well, I decided to do some research to find what people were asking on the houses around here and I found why so many arent selling. No one is budging on the prices. I found two 2-bedrooms for sale here, one updated, one not, and they were asking $125k and $130k for them. My jaw hit the floor! I told Kael that I feel pretty confident that we could update it a little and put it up for $120k and sell it pretty quickly.
Its like a huge weight off my shoulders! I was so worried that it wouldnt sell! I had no idea that house prices around here were that high. That is one of the good things about a mostly older neighborhood I guess :) They have time to let the house sit on the market and not bend on the price, which keeps the prices higher!

EEE! I feel like dancing a jig! Im so relieved! Its 11pm and Im tempted to go upstairs and work on painting!

What's up with this?!

My body is acting weird this cycle.

Ive been charting since last June. In all those months Ive never ovulated before CD21. I have long cycles and thats just how it is. Before I was charing, I had been using FF just to keep track of my cycles, and Ive been doing that since Sept 06. In all that time I had one cycle that I would consider "short" (others would consider it normal--29 days). That one was Jan 07. All this time I assumed that cycle was annov just because it was so unusually short.

Well, during this cycle, my temp jumped up quite a bit at CD17. I blamed it on my stupid A/C not working right, but the past 2 or 3 days its been colder than usual and my temps are still right around the ones that were from the days when it was warmer than usual in my house.
Also, these "post-O" temps are actually quite low..around 97.5. But when you look at my temps before it looks really high because those temps were in the 96's.

Im so confused. For several days I was flat out convinced that I hadnt ovulated yet. My temps were too low (Ive misguessed ovulation before and now I wont believe I ovulated until my temp is 98.0 or higher), it was far too early, and I had very little ewcm. I normally have ewcm for a week or more before I ovulate, starting between CD 15-18. This time I got heavy ewcm on CD 12-13, but I passed it off as a fluke because it was only for 2 days.

Now, though, if I hadn't really ovulated (I have has several times where FF tells me I O'd at CD15 or so, come to find out 2 weeks later that I clearly O'd on CD25, so I have been leery) I would have ton of ewcm, and Id be getting that annoying "you have fertile cm after ovulation" warning. But I havent had any ewcm. Not since CD13.

So it is looking like I really did O on CD 17. I might actually have a normal cycle before I even have the chance to take Clomid? Wow.

Here's the thing I think is funny. My best friend has 2 kids that are 3 years apart. With both her kids, their due dates were Dec 6th. She always thought that was funny.
Well, if I were to get pregnant this cycle (I try not to think about it, but we all know thats hopeless) my due date would be.....Dec 6th. Crazy, yes? Maybe its a sign?

Wouldnt it be fun if I went to the doc, started figuring out whats wrong, then got pregnant before any of the tests came back?

GRR!

Im so irritated.

How rude can some people be? Seriously.

Its one thing to be in a waiting room with your friend griping and chatting about random things...but for someone to get on a message board that is on a Fertility/Infertility site, but set aside for things that are not pregnancy, child or IF related as an escape, and gripe about their child on their child's birthday is just beyond anything I can think of right now.

I know Im overly emotional and sensitive right now, but really! You dont go on to OT and post rantings about your child. How many of us are sitting there reading that wondering if we will EVER have a child. How many of us are going through being poked and proded to figure out whats wrong and why having a child isnt easy for us? How many of us strain our marriages because of the stress it causes? How many of us have to grit our teeth and fake a smile when our friends brag about their babies taking their first steps, or announce their pregnancies, or even when a Huggies commercial come son tv? How many of us fight back tears at the grocery store when you see the mom your age with twins in a double stroller and a big sister helping dad put things in the cart? And then this woman gets on one of the few escapes there are and gripes about her 2 year old daughter?!

I'll tell you what, some of us would give anything in the world to be pestered by a 2 year old calling us "mama" to the point that we dont have time to get on the computer or get a snack (which obviously her daughter hasnt prevented her from getting on the computer)!
I wish I could just drive to that woman's house and slap her.
I cant even begin to explain how irrate I feel about it.

If she says anything again, I dont know that I will be able to keep my temper on that site.

First REAL Post

Ok, so...I made this thing so I can get infertility stuff off my mind, right? Well here goes:

Yesterday I finally went to the doctor. There arent many doctors in this town that even deal with infertility, so I had to go to a regular ob-gyn clinic. Ive been nervous for over a week about going. I hate doctors. I generally dont trust them. And I had a slightly traumatic experience with I was a teen, so going to have my privates looked at makes me even more nervous.

The waiting room didnt make me feel any better. The receptionist was nice and the check in was quick, but while I was waiting a young girl with braided pigtails came in with her equally young friend. I almost gasped out loud when I saw the obvious baby bump under her tank top. She told the receptionist nonchalantly that she was having an ultrasound in 2 weeks, but was wondering if she could do it earlier because she "had been hit" and was having some cramping and spotting. The girl was 17. What does "I had been hit" mean? Did she bump in to something? did someone punch her? Was she in PE class and got hit with a soccer ball? Was she in a car accident?
And of course the normal stuff popped in to my head. How is it that this kid could get pregnant and I cant. How can this child be on the verge of being a mother, and I can't have a baby with my husband?
So, I tried to ignore that, when another young girl, probably about 18, walked in with a new born. I almost cried right there. Then 2 women came in, about my age maybe a couple years younger. One was at least 8 months along, and the other was just barely showing. The less pregnant one jabbered on while the other just nodded occasionally. She griped about how she cant go out and party any more because of "this stupid thing". How she felt like sleeping all the time and didnt have time to go out with all the guys she knew because "he just had to knock [her] up". I wanted to punch them all and then have a good cry.

It felt like an eternity before they called me back, even though it was just 10 minutes.
Once they called me back, it wasnt that bad. I was expecting to get griped at for my weight (after all, when you see 226 lbs on a chart, you assume "oh, she's obese", right?) but no one said anything. The nurse just said "ok, 226. Good" as she was writing it in her chart, the doc never mentioned it.

The doctor talked to Kael and me, rather than just me. I liked that. She was very understanding with my fear of being examined, and even offered to put it off a few days and write me an Rx for valium before I came in. I ended up not needing it, though and did fine through the exam and pap.

She explained everything, and even when I understood something, but Kael didnt she explained it to him.

So, here's the plan:
Im going to get blood work done to test for thyroid and prolactin problems. If that comes back normal, then we start on either Clomid or Metformin for a few months. If that still doesnt work, then we start looking for the scary stuff like PCOS, Endo, etc and start doing S/As and such.

Im a bit nervous, but I feel so much better. Its like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
I was so worried that I would go to the doctor and they'd say "Lose 20 lbs then come back." (Ive tried to lose 20 lbs, I cant. It just doesnt happen) or that they'd say "Eh, try for a couple more months then come back".

So, in a week and a half I have another appt to see how the blood work went.
Hopefully in a week and a half I will be saying either "They found the problem and its easy to fix!" or "Im starting Clomid!"

*fingers crossed*

First Post

Ok, so I finally jumped on the band-wagon and got a blogger. I figured this could be the place for my TTC rantings and maybe one day my pregnancy rantings. Im not comfortable using my Myspace to rant since 2 of my cousins, my brother and several people I hardly know are on my friends list there. I haven't used Livejournal in at least 2 years, so that's out, so this is my outlet. Maybe this will help me to stop pestering my Buddy Groups with my random musings and worries ;)

Im not sure that anyone will read any of this, let alone comment, but at least it gives me a place to get it all out.