Random rant.

Random Rant #1
My dogs need a yard :(

Im so sick of not having a proper yard. Its really annoying.
We have a little patio (about 10 ft by 10ft) with a tiny patch of dirt (a triangle thats about 3 ft on each side) and the rest is concrete.

Well, even though it is completely enclosed, we still get a ton of lizards and bugs in it.

I guess Chelsea is bored because she keeps sitting at the back door watching for critters, then barks at me to open the door when she sees one.
I want to leave the door open for her to just go out and chase them when she pleases, but it is soooo hot out. Its 7pm and the heat index is 99°! Have I mentioned that August is my least favorite month of the year?

DH and I are convinced. If we end up moving, we are probably going to be in an apartment for a year or so, then we are getting a proper house with a proper yard and a DOGGIE DOOR! And its not because Im too lazy to take the dogs out, but because they LOVE having a yard. I mean LOVE it. And they love to come and go as they please.
When we go to my dad's at about 6 or 7 am when he gets up he just goes and opens the back door to let the dogs and cat out and just leaves it open. Chelsea and Snickers (Snickers was my dog, now he's my dad's dog) have a ball! They will walk about for hours sniffing the ground, then sitting on the patio and sniffing the wind, then back to the grass. Theodore likes it, but just because he doesnt have to wait for Chelsea to do her business to go back in.
You can tell that Theo and Mitzi (dad's other dog) were strays because they go out, do their business, and then bolt for the A/C.

I think even if we dont move we will still get a proper house.
DH works about 50 miles south of here, and if we stay, the University I want to go to is in that town too. Whats the point in both of us driving down there every weekday just to be near the city conveniences on the weekends? It would make more sense to live in that crappy little town and drive up to Corpus on the weekends.
So, either way, in roughly a year, we're moving to a house. Hopefully.



Random Rant #2
Im so ticked off at Kael's work.
Uhg.
For the past 2 months they have him on nights for a week or two, then change their minds and want him on days. Then they change their minds again and put him back on nights. So every few weeks he gets two days to completely flip his sleep schedule. He has to go from sleeping from about 10am to 6pm to sleeping from about 8pm to about 4am. And because of it, he's getting sick, allergies are bothering him more than usual, and he's so freaking grumpy all the time.
NOW this past Thursday they tell him "Oh, by the way, we need someone to work on Sunday, and no one has volunteered, so you're doing it." Every fucking time they have no one volunteer for OT he gets forced in to it!
So, last week he was working nights. He got off work at 7am Friday morning. He has to be back at work at 4:30 am Sunday morning! How insane is that??? And he had no say so!
I told him he could put his boss on the phone and I could tell her where to get off, but he said it wasnt worth it since he will really only have that job for 2 more months. But that means 2 MORE months of them screwing him around like this.
Plus the stress of being in limbo. Are we moving, are we not? Is he going to have a dependable job, or not? Do we have to get the house ready to sell, or not? Plus this TTC bullshit.
Im seriously on the verge of driving down to his work with him tomorrow and going off.

TTC Stress

Ok, here's the TTC part--which, ya know, is why I made this blog.

Last night DH lost it. I mean lost it.
I was listening to a new cd I got, and wasnt paying attention and glanced over and he was crying. I kind of froze. I didnt know what to do. Ive only seen him cry twice.
Once, his dad was really sick, and his mom was making it seem worse than it was, anyway, DH broke down.
Second time was when we both had BAD food poisoning, and along with taking care of himself, he took care of me too (I didnt expect him to, and for a long time I didnt know he was sick too, but I was too sick to object) and when he was feeling better he broke down just because he was so stressed and felt so awful. I mean, I had been crying for almost 18 hours straight, I can completely understand him crying over it too.
Both times, though, he cried for 10 minutes, maybe. Then regained himself and acted like it never happened.

Last night was random. He was just sitting on the couch crying, and when Id ask him whats wrong, hes just bawl "I dont know!".
It had me COMPLETELY freaked out. It was over an hour. I kept trying to calm him down, but it made it worse. And he kept hugging me so hard that Id have to push him away because I couldnt breathe.
He finally said he thinks its because for the past year I have been a ball of nerves over this TTC stuff. Ive been sick, Ive been an emotional mess, Ive been obsessive, Ive really just been an utter mess. He said me being so upset for so long just got to him.
Im kind of mad because all the times he just brush me off when Id get mad or upset. he never told me it upset him too! He just acted like I was over reacting. Now I kind of think he brushed me off because he wanted to shield himself form getting upset with me. I think, being a guy, he didnt know that admitting that it got to him too would make me feel less isolated, and therefore, maybe, less upset.

Anyway, all day Ive seriously been considering just giving up on TTC til the beginning of 2009. I really dont want to, and I know the first month of not temping or using OPKs will freak me out because I wont know when to expect AF, but I just dont know if TTC is right for us right now. I mean, its causing this much stress, and with the possibility of moving cross country in 2 months (and it will be spur of the moment if we do) we really need to save every penny and cant afford to go to counseling. And there are no IF support groups here. I dont know why I even bothered looking, I mean, there are no RE's and the only OB-GYN office that is supposed to specialize in infertility gives you a weird look when you say "I want to get pregnant and I cant" because they are so used to "I dont want to get pregnant, but I am".

Ok, back on track. I just dont know. I wonder if giving up on TTC for a few months will just add to the stress. I mean, its not like seeing pregnant women or hearing about ANOTHER friend being pregnant will hurt any less if we are "not trying, but not preventing" so a part of me cant really see how it would help, but also a part of me thinks it may be what we need. Kind of like a vacation without leaving home.

What really stinks is that it will be a few days before I can talk to DH about it. He's asleep right now for work in the morning, then when he comes home tomorrow he will likely be exhausted and grumpy and not up for a long, emotional discussion, and I expect the same thing Monday.
Im also scared to bring it up because I know I wont be able to resist crying and Im scared it will upset him again. I feel so utterly guilty over that whole thing. I mean, I had no idea how upset I had been making him. I feel like such a selfish bitch, and now I am scared to bring up anything TTC with him.


Sorry this is so long, I needed a good rant, and I didnt want to crowd the boards with my long-winded, selfish ramblings. So, thanks if you got through this, and I apologize for misspellings or anything that didnt make sense. I did this kind of similar to free writing and just typed what came in to my head, which is very therapeutic by the way, and I feel loads better.