Monday, September 29, 2008

Here's the plan

I feel like there is this long road in front of me with many forks and forks off of those forks, and it looks intimidating, but I also feel relieved that I'm not wandering in the forest in the dark any more. No matter how intimidating the path is, at least I can see it now.

I met with the new doc today and I rather like her. She is very to the point and doesn't sugar coat things. I like that.

The plan right now is to wait for AF. If the Provera does its job, then that shouldn't be too much longer. When AF finally decides to visit I have to call the doc's nurse and schedule an HSG. Its probably going to be a bit of a wait for that-- or at least feel like it. She said that for most women she prefers to have the HSG done around CD10, but given that I tend to have 7-8 day periods, and that I don't typically ovulate til CD 25 or later, we are thinking that an HSG anywhere between CD12 and CD20 is better for me (I'm rooting for the 12).

Here's the forks.
If the HSG is clear:
• We try Femara. Not sure for how long. Pretty much as long as I am comfortable with. Could be one cycle, could be 6.
• If the Femara fails, then we decide between three roads-- If Im still convinced I have endo, we go to San Antonio and have a lap done up there. If I want to skip the lap, we jump right in to IUI, and for that I can stay here and do it, or go to San Antonio. Third option, is if I feel that there could be something more subtle going on than just a blocked tube, I go to San Antonio for another HSG and possibly a lap with it.
Hopefully, somewhere along that road I will get my first BFP. If I don't, then the road gets a little foggy.

If the HSG isn't clear:
• We just skip this doctor, thank her for her help and go to an RE in San Antonio to see if it can be cleared.
• Jump head first in to IVF
• And then a whole bunch more foggy roads that depend on the specific outcome of the HSG.

I am still so unbelievably relieved that this is a "me" problem and not an "us" problem. It just feels like it is so many fewer hurdles to cross.
And *holds up glass of wine* Here's hoping that the first little bullet up there gets me my BFP ;)

Friday, September 26, 2008

Trying to wrap my head around this

So, went to the doc today.

1) DH's SA came back great! Count, motility and morphology all above normal.

2) I got Provera to kick start AF. Im on CD59 and Im 99.9% sure I havent ovulated, so who knows when AF would decide to show on her own.

3) I got referred to another doc. This new doc is supposed to specialize in IF, even though she's an Ob-gyn.
Im kind of nervous about the new doc. My current doc was trying to push me in to taking Clomid a few more months. I flat refused and said that I am never taking that stuff again. The psychological side effects were just too much. She seemed to act like it was impossible to do IUI without Clomid. And, when I suggested that Ive got an inkling that I have endo, she seemed to think that a dx of endo isnt very important. She said that if endo is suspected, they typically do an IUI and after "several" failed IUIs, they do a laparoscopy and HSG. That seems a bit bass ackwards to me.

I'm hoping the new doc won't give me such a bad vibe about it all and will listen a bit more, and maybe explain a bit more.
If the new doc does give me a bad vibe I think Im just going to have to break down and go to San Antonio for everything else. I'll be able to stay with my parents in San Marcos at least and save some money. It just sucks that I might have to go 200+ mi to find a doc that can help me.

So, now I just wait out the weekend for the next appt.
No matter how worried I am, I feel so relieved! I almost cried when the doc said DH's SA was great. That had me so worried. Not only because it would be another hurdle to cross, but because I can't imagine the kind of stress DH would have put himself under. That would have torn me up. Im so glad that we dont have to worry about that and that there is one more thing checked off the list.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

So, I logged on to Myspace and saw this advert:



Is it just me, or is the tummy in the Before picture more attractive than the one that is supposed to be After?
Is something like that really going to sell your product?
Is that what we are saying to women? You look great, but you still need to lose weight. Everyone needs to lose weight.

*sigh*

Things like this really makes me fear for my nieces and really makes me worry about how I will confront these kinds of things if I ever have a daughter.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Not moving.

We're not moving. DH's company didnt get the contract that they were 100% sure they were going to get. They called him and said that they were sorry and would let him know if anything opened up. Fuck them.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Woah. My dad gets it!

For a while, if DH or I brought up anything about us having trouble getting pregnant, dad would make jokes. "Its easy, take the TV out of the bed room." and other such witty *eye roll* sayings.
Lately he seems to get it. This weekend he was pestering me about why I hadnt called my mother to tell her we left to get away from the storm, and I told him that I couldnt stand talking to her because everytime I do she says something to make me mad.
I also told him that I was still mad at her over the last time I saw her over the summer. Some how we got on the subject of the increased rates of infertility and she said that she believes that infertility is caused by the Earth knowing that it is over populated and that it is spreading "diseases" to fix the problem. She also said that infertile women just needed to accept that they couldnt have kids and that it was for the good of the planet.
When I told dad what she said I think his jaw almost hit the ground, and I am still so mad over it that it took a lot to keep from crying. After I went to bed that night, DH and dad stayed up talking and DH said that he was really upset over my mother saying that to me. Really upset.

Then we went out to dinner in San Antonio at Mi Tierra and I was getting frustrated because it seriously seemed like every woman between the ages of 15 and 40 were pregnant but me. I thought it was just me being my usual bitter, infertile self seeing baby bellies left and right, but then dad suddenly said "Geez! What's with the water in this town?? There are pregnant women everywhere!" I just looked at my plate and muttered "Yeah, tell me about it." and dad just apologized like crazy. He said he was so sorry and that it was a really thoughtless thing to mention.

I almost started crying. Im so used to my friends and family just brushing over the topic or trying to "help" by telling me to relax or get drunk or have sex standing up or whatever stupid thing they were doing when they got pregnant that I didnt know hoe to react to my dad being sensitive about it.

I think my step mom has a lot to do with it. My step sister kind of went through this. I didnt know just how much she went through til recently. All I ever knew was that she found out that she couldnt have kids. That even though she was only 25 or so, she had waited too long; which probably spearheaded my desperate desire to be a mom before the age of 23 and my intense feeling of failure at being almost 26 and still childless. My (step)mom was my (step)sister's shoulder to cry on through all of that so my (step) mom saw the pain it causes in her other daughter and now Im going through it too. I get the feeling that she probably had a talk (or a few talks) with dad about it. But dad doesnt completely avoid the topic, which sometimes makes you feel like just as much of an outcast as when people brush aside your feelings, but he said things about it and really seemed to understand that it is intensely painful.

Im kind of in shock. Its a weird feeling. My family gets it. Wow. Its indescribable.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

CRAP!

Uhg!
A few days ago I used an OPK on a whim and to my complete surprise it was positive. Even though we are technically on a break this cycle it was still so refreshing to see that my cycle is getting back to normal (for me) and Im actually ovulating.
Cervical position and cm confirmed that I was ovulating. Temperature seemed to confirm it, but on one morning I over slept and on the next a phone call woke me up, so naturally they were high.

This mornign it was low. Lower than low. Way to low for me to have ovulated. More than a degree and a half lower than yesterday.

CRAP!!!

How could I have a positive OPK and all the other signs and not have ovulated???

So now I just go back to wait wait waiting. Wait for AF. Wait to O. Wait to find out if we are moving. Wait to see if and when I can continue IF treatments. Wait wait wait.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Under Construction

I'm currently working on trying to fix up this blog's layout to look the way I want, rather than use a premade. Its taking me some time to get used to the coding for this site, so please bear with me. Colors may change, colors may be wrong, things could be moved, I could screw up royally and things could be completely illegible for a spell.
I apologize if anything is blinding or annoying.

Once I get it the way I want I will be wanting 100% honest opinions. Things look different on different computers, so Im going to need the comments. You have been warned ;)