Trying to get a grip

So, DH and I decided that we are taking a break from Clomid this cycle.
Im just losing it. I start crying randomly, I feel self-conscious, and I am getting fairly bad agoraphobia and panic attacks. Just going to the store took so much out of me emotionally, that I would come home and sleep for hours.

Im 7 days in to my "Clomid break" and I was hoping it would make a big difference, but I still feel the crazy up and downs of it. The past 3 months I have hardly left the house because being around too many people just makes me feel like Im going to lose it (either break down crying or fly in to a rage) at the drop of a hat.

Last Thursday I plucked up some courage and went to a friend's house, something I havent done in quite a while.

Background: Jason and James are brothers. James has 4 kids, all almost stair steps, and his wife is wanting them to have another. Jason and his wife have had 4 m/c, the docs dont know why, and have really stopped trying because she has depression and anxiety problems anyway, and adding to it was, well, lets just say it was too much for her. (Not talking down about her, I really feel so bad for her, because I can tell it really upsets her, but she doesnt talk about it, and Im not about to push her).

So, when we went over there, it was Jason, his wife Jessie, James, me and Kael. Kael asked James where his wife was and he said "At home with the kids. Someone's gotta watch them."
DH, trying to be funny, but also trying to give him the hint not to talk about his kids too much said "Oh yeah, rub it in, man."
Jason said "Yeah, no kidding. We've been trying for over five years."
and Kael said "Yeah, we're just almost at the two year mark."
Jason: "It sucks huh?"
Jessie looked down at her drink, and the look on her face and the sadness in Kael and Jason's voices, and then James looking so guilty. I almost lost it. Really. I was thisclose to walking out side because I was going to start crying.
I managed to keep it together. Not a single tear. I was SO proud of myself. Kept it in.
I started thinking that maybe Im going back to normal and allowing myself to feel sad about things without losing it completely.

On Friday we went to the In-Law's. We were there all day. All. Day.
For some reason near the end of the evening I couldnt take it. I felt just uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was yelling, when they werent, I got this crazy nauseated, scared feeling when MIL or SIL would hug me. I ended up going out to the car, and cleaned it while crying. Kael came out to talk to me but I just couldnt stop crying.
I dont even really know why! Its like I felt like everything (emotionally) had just caved in on top of me. I was mad at everyone and sad too, and uhg! I was mad at myself for losing it when I thought I had control of my crazies. So, I got it together long enough for us to stay there another 30 mins or so. Just long enough to say "bye" really.

Saturday I did okay. Felt sad randomly, then happy, then sad, but no breakdowns.
Today the same up and down, but when we went to see Wall-E I cried at the beginning. It wasnt even sad. But I teared up. Dunno why. :roll:
And Im still getting the ups and downs, but no crazies yet.

Uhg, Im sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent. I still feel like Im losing it, though its more mild than before. Im thinking maybe I need to take next month off of Clomid too.
I think I just feel disappointed. I thought I was getting a grip, but now? *sigh*. I did manage to get the point across to DH that Im not being anti-social or rude when I dont go places with him lately, but that it really does take a major toll on me. All this coming and going this weekend, I have been sleeping like crazy. Sleeping all night long, and taking naps...though its a nice switch since Ive been having insomnia problems, but Id rather not have to go in to an spiraling, burning emotional wreck to get that sleep.

Maybe the Clomid isnt worth it. Maybe I should just skip the next 2 or 3 months of it and just go to the next step.
Im just so sick of this hopeless feeling...but I dont think that is going away anytime soon. On or off Clomid.