So...

DH spilled the beans to his mother. Now I just have to wait for the fun to start.


Clomid has been kicking my butt. Name a side effect and Ive got it. Im tired, I get hot flashes, Im nauseated and bloated, I have headaches and I am an emotional basket case. I have been going from supremely pissed off to inconsolably sad to manically happy in about 3 seconds. DH doesnt seem to understand why I dont want to go anywhere. I am perfectly fine laying on the couch and maybe doing laundry and dishes and all that. I dont know why he cant let me do that for a week or so.

Last night he went to his mom's house so she could cut his hair and he called me and asked if I wanted to eat dinner over there. I looked at myself in my pajamas, hair a mess, and eyes puffy from crying at the Dog Whisperer, and said "No." He begged and really insisted that I needed to, so I crammed my fat, bloated self in to some jeans and found my only baggy shirt. I pulled my hair in to a ponytail and tried to put on makeup to cover the puffies and the zits and went over there.

On the way over Kael told me "I told my mom".
"You told your mom what?"
"I told her youre taking medicine to get pregnant"
"Thanks Kael."
Cuz I'M the one trying to get pregnant right? Not us, but ME, huh?
If he was going to tell her, why couldnt he just tell her and then NOT insist that I go over there? Say "Well, the meds are making her sick, so she's staying home".
It really infuriates me. Ive told him before that I dont want either of our parents to know we are trying. HIS parents havent been bugging us about it. Now they will be, you can bet on it. And what if it takes us another 5 years to conceive? Am I going to have to go in to detail about our treatments with my mother-in-law for the next 5 years?

And uhg! When I went over there it already started. "How are you feeling hun?" Like Im a time bomb about to blow up. His mom was walking on eggshells around me. And that just made me mad and sad and want to scream. And she kept hugging me and touching me when I was really hot and trying to hide it and didnt want to be touched.

GRRR! Ok, so I know Im over reacting, but it still makes me mad. I dont know why Kael doesnt get this stuff. I dont know why he cant just listen to me.

Im supposed to paint the guest room today, but I think Im going to lay on the couch. I just have 2 more days of the Clomid and them maybe a few days for this gross feeling to wear off, right? The guest room can wait.

Another Horoscope

Ok, Im not one much for believeing horoscopes, but this one is giving me some hope:)

Good stuff will be happening to you today (or quite soon), although it might be a bit difficult for you to accept it! You have a curiosity that can sometimes get in the way of appreciating the goodness in your life -- you want to know why things are happening, and how. But in order to enjoy the upcoming good times, you're going to have to let go of this need-to-know when it comes to why all of these things are happening. Get used to the unknown. Try to just be grateful for it!

I think...

That my horoscope is telling me to stay off of OT :P

"You must be incredibly disciplined today -- so keep your eye on the ball! There will be a multitude of distractions for you, today. These could range from some sort of spontaneous party to a nagging sensation that you are forgetting to do something. But in order to get things done, you need to stay focused on the task at hand. Once you've focused, you can check out whatever's going on. Don't worry -- you will have plenty of free time and an abundance of energy for fun today!"



Oh well, the dishes and laundry and painting and vacuuming and taking the trash out can wait :P

Back to "Go".

CD 1 again. *sigh*


But, I got my Clomid.

Please God let it work! Please please please!
Maybe it will make me O normally, so that at least if I dont get my BFP, I will be able to try again fairly soon.

And this AF sucks. My whole back is killing me, my tummy is hurting so bad Im nauseated and legs hurt from thighs to toes. Uhg.
Im so sick of this and its barely started.

This is hopefully going to be my shortest "Waiting to O" phase ever, and will probably feel the longest.

Still Pouting.

Im so annoyed. I finally ovulated like a normal person, and didnt get pregnant. I was really hoping it would work this time. Granted we didnt expect for me to ovulate so early so we didnt really BD, it was more like just having sex. But still. Does laying down for 30 minutes afterward really make that much of a difference?

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon and Im hoping that she will start me on either Clomid or Metformin (or both) asap. The goal of either one would be to get me to ovulate at around CD 15 rather than CD 25 or later and maybe have more of a chance of getting that BFP. But Im just not so sure that just ovulating earlier will really help...although, on the other hand, I really dont think Im ready emotionally or financially for a gamut of tests to figure out what is wrong.

Maybe its just PMS, but I am just incredibly frustrated and Im feeling so hopeless. Anything and everything today is making me irate and depressed. Harmless posts on OT are making me want to scream. I just cant get away from it. And apparently I look up fertility related things on the computer enough that every page I go to that has advertisements about diapers or breast pumps or some such thing. I cant escape it. Im starting to feel very apprehensive about the appointment just because I know Im going to be stuck in a waiting room, alone this time, with who knows how many pregnant women griping about back aches and morning sickness and the baby kicking them in the bladder or kidney or ribs or whatever. Uhg.

Im just feeling so down today when I should be feeling hopeful. Im so sick of feeling this way every single freaking cycle.

And it starts

My temp dropped today. Bah.
So much for a 2008 baby.
Kind of an early temp drop though. Im only 9dpo. But last cycle it started falling this early I think, so I guess AF is on her way.

Oh well.
Time to pout. Then get over it. Then look forward to starting Clomid.

OMG! I feel better!

Ive been very worried because it looks like we will be moving, and if we do, it will be very short notice. It will be pretty much, they give Kael the interview (thats what we are waiting on) and then say "Ok, be up here in 2 weeks". Not much time to try and sell our house. We will probably have to move in with my dad until the house sells and that has me worried because I dont want to impose on my dad for 6 months, 8 months, a year, whatever it takes to sell this thing.

When we bought our house, we got lucky. Its a very quiet townhome complex. Mostly elderly. The homeowners association is FANTASTIC! Our house is right in front of a beautifully maintained park. In the spring the maintenance people replace the plants with flowering bushes and vines. There are always butterflies and hummingbirds around because of it. It is just amazing. In the summer, they replace the dying flowers with bright green bushes. In the winter, they decorate it beautifully for Christmas. Its just amazing. Most weekends in December, they rent out the gazebo for local choirs to hold small concerts, so because of where we are we can open the windows and see all the great lights, a big Christmas tree and hear a choir singing carols.
(ok, I ended up rambling)
ANYWAY...the inside left quite a bit to be desired. The house was built in 1968 and it had NEVER been updated. Almost every wall was covered in tacky, busy, foil wall paper. The stove, dishwasher and fridge were harvest gold (well, the stove still is). The den and kitchen have hideous black laminate on the floor. All the light fixtures were gaudy brass and fake crystal.
The house was very well taken care of (aside from the cigarette burns on the bathroom counter and floor) but just never updated. We've been slowly fixing things as we get the money, but its mostly been paint, and its been a learning process as we go.
We got lucky because most of the houses in this neighborhood, when we bought it, were selling for roughly $115k. We got this one for 95k (because it needed so much updating and because the seller wanted to be rid of it).

Ive been worried because it seems like every week another house in our complex goes on the market, and none sell. Usually the ones around the park sell fastest and there are currently 2 around the park for sale, and they have been for quite some time.
We've been trying to think about what we need to do to the house to sell it fast, but enough to get something out of it. Most the houses here are 3 bedrooms, and ours is a 2. I know that's a big strike against us.

Well, I decided to do some research to find what people were asking on the houses around here and I found why so many arent selling. No one is budging on the prices. I found two 2-bedrooms for sale here, one updated, one not, and they were asking $125k and $130k for them. My jaw hit the floor! I told Kael that I feel pretty confident that we could update it a little and put it up for $120k and sell it pretty quickly.
Its like a huge weight off my shoulders! I was so worried that it wouldnt sell! I had no idea that house prices around here were that high. That is one of the good things about a mostly older neighborhood I guess :) They have time to let the house sit on the market and not bend on the price, which keeps the prices higher!

EEE! I feel like dancing a jig! Im so relieved! Its 11pm and Im tempted to go upstairs and work on painting!

What's up with this?!

My body is acting weird this cycle.

Ive been charting since last June. In all those months Ive never ovulated before CD21. I have long cycles and thats just how it is. Before I was charing, I had been using FF just to keep track of my cycles, and Ive been doing that since Sept 06. In all that time I had one cycle that I would consider "short" (others would consider it normal--29 days). That one was Jan 07. All this time I assumed that cycle was annov just because it was so unusually short.

Well, during this cycle, my temp jumped up quite a bit at CD17. I blamed it on my stupid A/C not working right, but the past 2 or 3 days its been colder than usual and my temps are still right around the ones that were from the days when it was warmer than usual in my house.
Also, these "post-O" temps are actually quite low..around 97.5. But when you look at my temps before it looks really high because those temps were in the 96's.

Im so confused. For several days I was flat out convinced that I hadnt ovulated yet. My temps were too low (Ive misguessed ovulation before and now I wont believe I ovulated until my temp is 98.0 or higher), it was far too early, and I had very little ewcm. I normally have ewcm for a week or more before I ovulate, starting between CD 15-18. This time I got heavy ewcm on CD 12-13, but I passed it off as a fluke because it was only for 2 days.

Now, though, if I hadn't really ovulated (I have has several times where FF tells me I O'd at CD15 or so, come to find out 2 weeks later that I clearly O'd on CD25, so I have been leery) I would have ton of ewcm, and Id be getting that annoying "you have fertile cm after ovulation" warning. But I havent had any ewcm. Not since CD13.

So it is looking like I really did O on CD 17. I might actually have a normal cycle before I even have the chance to take Clomid? Wow.

Here's the thing I think is funny. My best friend has 2 kids that are 3 years apart. With both her kids, their due dates were Dec 6th. She always thought that was funny.
Well, if I were to get pregnant this cycle (I try not to think about it, but we all know thats hopeless) my due date would be.....Dec 6th. Crazy, yes? Maybe its a sign?

Wouldnt it be fun if I went to the doc, started figuring out whats wrong, then got pregnant before any of the tests came back?

GRR!

Im so irritated.

How rude can some people be? Seriously.

Its one thing to be in a waiting room with your friend griping and chatting about random things...but for someone to get on a message board that is on a Fertility/Infertility site, but set aside for things that are not pregnancy, child or IF related as an escape, and gripe about their child on their child's birthday is just beyond anything I can think of right now.

I know Im overly emotional and sensitive right now, but really! You dont go on to OT and post rantings about your child. How many of us are sitting there reading that wondering if we will EVER have a child. How many of us are going through being poked and proded to figure out whats wrong and why having a child isnt easy for us? How many of us strain our marriages because of the stress it causes? How many of us have to grit our teeth and fake a smile when our friends brag about their babies taking their first steps, or announce their pregnancies, or even when a Huggies commercial come son tv? How many of us fight back tears at the grocery store when you see the mom your age with twins in a double stroller and a big sister helping dad put things in the cart? And then this woman gets on one of the few escapes there are and gripes about her 2 year old daughter?!

I'll tell you what, some of us would give anything in the world to be pestered by a 2 year old calling us "mama" to the point that we dont have time to get on the computer or get a snack (which obviously her daughter hasnt prevented her from getting on the computer)!
I wish I could just drive to that woman's house and slap her.
I cant even begin to explain how irrate I feel about it.

If she says anything again, I dont know that I will be able to keep my temper on that site.

First REAL Post

Ok, so...I made this thing so I can get infertility stuff off my mind, right? Well here goes:

Yesterday I finally went to the doctor. There arent many doctors in this town that even deal with infertility, so I had to go to a regular ob-gyn clinic. Ive been nervous for over a week about going. I hate doctors. I generally dont trust them. And I had a slightly traumatic experience with I was a teen, so going to have my privates looked at makes me even more nervous.

The waiting room didnt make me feel any better. The receptionist was nice and the check in was quick, but while I was waiting a young girl with braided pigtails came in with her equally young friend. I almost gasped out loud when I saw the obvious baby bump under her tank top. She told the receptionist nonchalantly that she was having an ultrasound in 2 weeks, but was wondering if she could do it earlier because she "had been hit" and was having some cramping and spotting. The girl was 17. What does "I had been hit" mean? Did she bump in to something? did someone punch her? Was she in PE class and got hit with a soccer ball? Was she in a car accident?
And of course the normal stuff popped in to my head. How is it that this kid could get pregnant and I cant. How can this child be on the verge of being a mother, and I can't have a baby with my husband?
So, I tried to ignore that, when another young girl, probably about 18, walked in with a new born. I almost cried right there. Then 2 women came in, about my age maybe a couple years younger. One was at least 8 months along, and the other was just barely showing. The less pregnant one jabbered on while the other just nodded occasionally. She griped about how she cant go out and party any more because of "this stupid thing". How she felt like sleeping all the time and didnt have time to go out with all the guys she knew because "he just had to knock [her] up". I wanted to punch them all and then have a good cry.

It felt like an eternity before they called me back, even though it was just 10 minutes.
Once they called me back, it wasnt that bad. I was expecting to get griped at for my weight (after all, when you see 226 lbs on a chart, you assume "oh, she's obese", right?) but no one said anything. The nurse just said "ok, 226. Good" as she was writing it in her chart, the doc never mentioned it.

The doctor talked to Kael and me, rather than just me. I liked that. She was very understanding with my fear of being examined, and even offered to put it off a few days and write me an Rx for valium before I came in. I ended up not needing it, though and did fine through the exam and pap.

She explained everything, and even when I understood something, but Kael didnt she explained it to him.

So, here's the plan:
Im going to get blood work done to test for thyroid and prolactin problems. If that comes back normal, then we start on either Clomid or Metformin for a few months. If that still doesnt work, then we start looking for the scary stuff like PCOS, Endo, etc and start doing S/As and such.

Im a bit nervous, but I feel so much better. Its like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
I was so worried that I would go to the doctor and they'd say "Lose 20 lbs then come back." (Ive tried to lose 20 lbs, I cant. It just doesnt happen) or that they'd say "Eh, try for a couple more months then come back".

So, in a week and a half I have another appt to see how the blood work went.
Hopefully in a week and a half I will be saying either "They found the problem and its easy to fix!" or "Im starting Clomid!"

*fingers crossed*

First Post

Ok, so I finally jumped on the band-wagon and got a blogger. I figured this could be the place for my TTC rantings and maybe one day my pregnancy rantings. Im not comfortable using my Myspace to rant since 2 of my cousins, my brother and several people I hardly know are on my friends list there. I haven't used Livejournal in at least 2 years, so that's out, so this is my outlet. Maybe this will help me to stop pestering my Buddy Groups with my random musings and worries ;)

Im not sure that anyone will read any of this, let alone comment, but at least it gives me a place to get it all out.