CD1

So, its time for an update, yes? Yes.

Im on CD1 and Im am NOT continuing with the clomid. I didnt realize how lousy I felt on it, til I was off it. I know it means I will be probably ovulating around CD25 and possibly anytime between CD15 and CD...well...nothing, and that is frustrating when you dont know when to even expect it, but it was far more frustrating being an utter emotional basketcase and everything sending me in to crying jags and/or panic attacks.

Im not even sure if I should keep track of my ovulation. I mean, at this point, its habit. I dont expect to get pregnant.
We have been charting for the past year and 2 months. We started trying 6 months before that. We started the "not trying, not preventing" stuff 3 months before that. And for the 2 years before that we technically werent using protection. *coughpulloutcough*
If, through all of that we havent gotten pregnant, I dont think we will without medical intervention. Ive come to the conclusion, that since its been this long and Ive never been pregnant even though I ovulate pretty much every month and we time it perfect there is one of 3 things going on:

1) DH has an extremely low sperm count.
2) One or both of my tubes are completely blocked.
3) something is wrong with my uterus and the eggs are unable to implant.

Thats all I can figure.
And since finding out that my mom had endo (Im STILL mad that I didnt find out til now, btw) I am more convinced than ever that I probably have it and it is causing problems.

We are still in limbo, though.
DH still hasnt heard anything new on the job. Right now it is sounding like there is a 45% chance we are staying here, 45% chance of going to Charleston, and a slim chance of going to San Antonio, Oklahoma City or Kansas City. So, basically its still a toss up. A move means kick ass insurance that will be the key of us getting pregnant. Staying means we can probably do a lap, but if we need to do anything else (like IUI or IVF) t will probably be a year or more before we can.
In either case, barring a crazy miracle (I cant think of a better word) I dont see us getting pregnant anytime this year, and thats a really hard pill to swallow.
We've been trying so long that I dont really know how to do anything else, but I also have been doing this long enough to know that it just isnt going to happen on our own.

I think Im just out of hope. Ive had to take what little I have left and send it off to the horizon and pray that in 6 months a new year will bring new chances.

As soon as we hear one way or the other on a job Im going to kick in to gear. I mean, if we get one with the kickass insurance I will be worried about moving and fixing up the house. If we end up having to stay here, well then we are going to find a way to get the money together to have a lap asap.

And ya know, even though I had no hope for this cycle, Im still heartbroken that AF came on time. I was hoping it would be a little late at least. I think Ive become addicted to those last 3 days of my cycle. That flutter of hope that maybe this is it. Looking forward to what my due date would be and thinking of what relatives have birthdays close to it. This time it snuck up on me. I wasnt keeping good mental track of my cycle, and was thinking I had at least 2 more days til it started, but nope. Here it is. On time. No flutters. No hope. Just a crushing sensation of all the weight I put on myself and the guilt of what Im doing to my husband, and then all that damned physical crap that goes with it and knowing that none of it will ease up in the next 3 days.