Pity party

Yup BFN at 11dpo. I know 11dpo is a bit early, but Im pretty sure the negative is accurate.
I was fine with it at first, but as the day went on, I just got depressed. I dont know why, I mean, I was okay with it. Next cycle we are doubling the Clomid, so that increases my chances that much more right? But still the BFN is getting to me. You'd think that after 16 months 12 cycles of them Id be used to it, ya know? I even knew it would be negative this time. I knew the odds were against getting pregnant on the first round of Clomid, plus the 11 BFN cycles before it should have given me a big clue, but still, I so hoped I was wrong.
Im so mad at myself for getting so upset, but still Im upset.
Im starting to feel like I just cant take it any more. I know that compared to some others Im still at the beginning of this journey, but I dont know how much more I can take! I feel like Im losing it. Im so sick of it! But if I stop trying, its not like its going to hurt any less when I see cute babies or toddlers in the grocery store or when my freinds announce their pregnancies, so I should just keep trying right?

I feel so envious of the people that believe that there's a grand plan. I know they are aching too, but they can confidently say that they believe everything will work out in the end. I, on the other hand, feel like things rarely work out just the way I want. The only thing Ive ever wanted to be is a wife and mother. Ive never been a lucky person, and a part of me wonders if Ive just used up all my luck. There was a time when I never, ever thought I would be with a man as wonderful and giving and perfect as Kael. For the first 2 years of our relationship I kept waiting for him to realize that he could get so much better than me and kick me to the curb. When we got married I cried my eyes out because there was a part of me, even up to just before we said "I do", that didnt think it would ever happen. I am beyond lucky to have him, and there is this annoying little voice in my head that keeps telling me that I already got more than I deserve, why should I ever expect to have even one child, let alone the 3 or 4 I always dreamed of?

I just keep getting this horrid hopeless feeling, and I know thats a dangerous feeling to have, but I cant seem to shake it. I know the drill, and I know it usually goes away around CD3 (who knows when that will be since Clomid tends to make some women's LPs longer), but it feels so much stronger this time. More devastating.

And I need to stop this bad habit. Some women, when depressed go shopping for shoes or something. I go shopping for pets. When I dont have the money for a pet, I get a plant. I got a new betta today. I already love him, he's so cute! Just stunning! I had almost forgotten since Monet's passing. But I dont think its a healthy way to deal with this. I mean, if this goes on much longer, Im going to end up with a tropical rainforest, both flora and fauna, in my house. It took Kael practically dragging me out of the store to keep me from getting another rat, and if I had my way we'd have a new cat, rabbit, rat, 75 gallon tank and maybe a german shepherd or something. Maybe I should take up buying shoes and handbags to deal. It may be cheaper.

Little Mini freak out

I think Im imagining things...but maybe not.

Last night I went to the bathroom and I had slight cramping but I didnt think much of it, thought it was maybe gas. All of a sudden while in the bathroom it felt like AF had come. The cramps were BAD and had me doubled over. Well, I did my business, still trying to convince myself it was gas, and when I wiped there was a little stripe of blood. Not pink, not brown, but red blood as though AF were here.
I almost cried and wiped again. Nothing.
I washed my hands and checked inside. Nada.

I cant figure out where in the hell it came from!
And, even weirder is it happened before. The day before I O'd. Except I was in the shower that time. I was washing, saw some blood on the sponge, freaked, and didnt see any more blood. And I had sudden cramps then too.

I dont know whats going on.
It cant be spotting, right? I mean, spotting doesnt make a sudden stripe of blood out of no where and leave nothing else right?
Im so freaked out.
I kind of want to post it on FF in General TTC or something, but Im kind of embarrassed to.
Someone please tell me this is normal and doesnt mean anything bad is going on!

Almost O-ing

Uhg, Ive been standing on the precipice of ovulation for a week now! But Im sure it is almost here if it hasnt occured already.
My OPK yesterday was more-or-less positive and I was pretty happy with it. Then this morning my test line was darker than the control line. Yay! Never seen that before.

Last night and this morning I had AF-like cramps. Im hoping thats just the Clomid or me ovulating.

Yesterday and the past 3 days or so my cervix has been so high that I couldnt touch it, and now today its very very low. But...that means Ive already ovulated right? But the overtly positive OPK means Im going to ovulate in roughly 24 hours, yes? ....so Im confused.

In any case my temp indicates that as of 7 this morning I havent ovulated. Hopefully tomorrow's will be sky high :)

*AH-CHOO*

I dont know how my house gets so dusty. I have a kind of schedule so that every room in the house gets a thorough cleaning one day a week. I vacuum, sweep, mop and dust. The needing to vacuum and sweep I get. I have 2 dogs. The floors get filthy, but the dust? I have to dust constantly! Im allergic to dust, so even when I try to use those things that are supposed to make the dust stick to them and not put them in the air, I still sneeze. Then I start getting a horrid sinus headache that starts to turn in to a migraine, so I have to stop cleaning.

Where does all this dust come from?? Is it because my house is so old? Is it the critters? Is it just me?
I dont get it.
I feel like I am always cleaning.

Can someone tell me...

...how to post images without them having that obnoxious border around them?
Ive tried using just a simple img src code, but it isnt working.

What is up with...

...horoscopes being creepy lately. For a year I check my horoscope everyday and they all dont apply to me in any way, shape, or form. They all tell me to be on the look out for a new love interest. Right.
Then after being a ball of nerves after dealing with my narcissistic, manipulative mother this weekend I get this:

"A difficult person has had you tearing your hair out in the past, but you are slowly learning how to handle them. The key is to feed their ego without letting them detect that you know how little confidence they have in themselves. You hold the upper hand in this situation, so take control. You won't have to work too hard to put them at ease around you. Believe it or not, it's the fact that they are so intimidated by you that is causing them to act so disagreeably."

And we're back....

Uhg, Im exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

My mom just completely exhausts me.
It happens most of the times that I go up there. I go to my dad's, talk about old times and inevitably get reminded of all the selfish crap my mother pulled when I was a teen (and when I was a kid but the stuff when I was a teen was bad) and my step-mom talks about all that crap and reminds me of stuff I had forgotten. I fight back tears and just act like it doesnt bother me, which is exhausting. Then I go and see my mother and pretend that I dont remember any of that crap. Hell, I have to pretend that I dont even know about most of that crap because if I brought it up she'd just cry and say that my father is brainwashing me. Uhg. So I smile and pretend Im having a great time and count down the minutes til I can go back to my dad's. Kael bites his tongue and tries not to go off on her for all the crap she did to me and put me through.
My shoulders hurt now from nerves.
And the highlight of my conversation was my mother talking about the increasing infertility rates (she knows we are TTC but not that we are having trouble) and my mother laughed when I told her that there is a school of thought that thinks the increasing cases of PCOS are caused by either an increasing number of women having a heightened awareness of their bodies and therefore are more likely to go to a doctor and seek help OR because of processed foods and perhaps hormones in meats and such causing who knows how many problems. She laughed and said "Some people will believe anything huh? Maybe its just because people these days always want to gripe about something, or just because more people in the world are fat. I bet if every one in the world lost 20 lbs, the cases of crap like that would go down". Kael had to hold my hand because I was fighting the urge to slap her.

I got my furniture back, though. And lots of other random crap from my childhood. I dont know what to do with that stuff. Its like journals from 1st and 2nd grade and old sketch books and things like that.

Kael isnt sure how the interview went. Some things seem to have gone poorly, while others seem very promising, so we are confused.

So, we are back home, back in limbo, back in normality.

hopefully we can find the energy to BD every night for the next week and make this clomid do its job.

And We're off..

We're off to San Antonio this afternoon. Kael finally has an interview at one of the AFBs up there. WHOO HOO!

We're going to be staying at my dad's, which is cool, he lives in between San Antonio and Austin.
The sucky part is, my mom and step-dad got divorced recently and my furniture from when I was a kid is still over there. My dad's mom gave that stuff to me when I was 3, and when I was living with my dad, dad demanded that stuff back. Mom said no way and kept it. A year after I moved out on my own, mom started bugging me to take it all back so she could use my old room as a guest room. GRRR! Yeah, she wouldnt let me have it when I lived with my dad and had a whole extra room to put all of that stuff in, but once I moved out, and shared a tiny 2 bedroom apt with a roommate and my dad moved to Louisiana she wanted me to take all that stuff back?! UHG! She infuriates me!
She's been bugging me for years to take it back and I havent had the space, or the time. With our truck, it would take 2 trips to get it all. Thats 3 hours up there, load up the truck, 3 hours back, un load, 3 hours up there...you get it. Plus we only got the truck last year. We had no way to get it before then. I dont think a large day bed, shelf and writing desk will fit in our Impala or in my Neon.

So, when mom moved out, she got her own house north of San Antonio with 4 bedrooms and just her....and left my furniture with my step dad. Yeah. She didnt even tell me they were divorcing. She called me to say "Happy New Year" and "Oh by the way, I have a new phone number because Rod and I divorced." Thanks for keeping everyone informed, mom.
She didnt take any of my stuff or my brother's just told us to come get our stuff from a house that isnt in our family any more.

Im also so pissed at her for what she did to my brother. My brother was living with her at the time. Yeah. He came home from work and there was a moving truck out front. He found mom and asked her what was going on and she said "If you want your stuff, you'd better pack it now." Then he asked where her new house was so he could stay there, and she wouldnt tell him. Know why? Because his car leaked oil and she didnt want oil on her new white driveway or on the street in front of her house (what would the neighbors think?). So my brother spent that night in his car and now he is staying with my grandparents, who really should be enjoying retirement, not taking care of my brother because my mother wont.

So...we have to go up there, go to this interview, play nice with my mom and step dad so I can get my furniture, and then take it up to Austin because my dad has a spare room and he said I can just fill up one of the rooms with it. That way he can use it for my nieces when they come down in the summer until Kael and I have a big enough place for it.

Uhg, I hate this. I love going up to San Antonio, but it is going to be poisoned by all this crud. Ya know, my mom pulls this crap, then wonders why when we go up there we stay with my dad and not her. She asked me to stay up there this weekend, but I could leave the dogs, and maybe my husband at my dad's. yeah. The woman just infuriates me to no end.
So here's this trip that should be filled with good vibes and hope and instead Im left with a knot in my stomach because I have to spend a day or two with her.

Ok, that was a long rant. Im sorry.
Good news.....ish...we start BDing this weekend. Maybe being in Austin will be good luck and we can finally make a friggin baby. The sucky part will be sneaking to do it. Im not too crazy about the idea of sleeping in my dad's house and having to sneak and have sex.
Im going to have to sneak and use OPKs too. Hope I can pull this off :P

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. No doubt I will be back on this site on Sunday or Monday to vent about my family:P