Im sick of being sick

Ok, so Im not sick per se, but Ive been feeling so lousy that its making me feel sick.

Ive had constant cramping for over a week. Sometimes it is barely noticeable or just feels like pressure on my belly, and other times it feels like AF is going to be here any minute! All I can do is curl up on the couch or bed and pray for it to stop.
Ive also been getting off and on pain on the right side. Its not severe or debilitating, but it does hurt pretty bad and is starting to annoy. It feels like someone is poking me from the inside with a dull, hot knife.
Im trying not to let it worry me, but it is. Im starting to really wish I had been temping so that I at least could know where in my cycle I am and maybe shed more light on why I feel like crap.
Even if I have a normal cycle for me, then AF isnt due til late next week sometime...maybe later, so it is WAY too early for me to be having these cramping problems, plus, having them for the past week? Im just confused.

And now today Im bloated, have a headache and feel generally achy all over.
I still have some things to clean and some painting to do before some folks come in to town this weekend, and I feel like crap. Im probably not going to be able to get things as clean and pretty as I would like. I guess they will just have to deal with my house in a "lived in" kind of status than sparkly clean and organized ;)

DAMNIT!

We're not out of limbo. Uhg.

DH had an interview with the new company today and said he got the impression that they plan on hiring everyone on. So, thats good at least, we wont be out of a job, BUT (there's always a 'but') the current company claims that they are still desperately searching for a place for all those that would like to move out of this horrid town.
They will (supposedly) find out about a contract with the Air Force on Sept 10th. Bear in mind, though, this is the same contract that we were supposed to hear about exactly a year ago. The contract that was supposed to get us to San Antonio. The government put off their decision by a month, then another month, then 6 months, and so on. So, I have very little confidence that we will find out anything. Also, right around the same time we should be hearing about another contract with the Air Force--the one that would take us to Oklahoma or Missouri. But, that job wouldnt start til about the first of the year, so, we would either stay here til then, or they would try to find us a place somewhere, who knows where.

I was starting to make plans on what to do with the house. I mean, there's different frames of mind. There's the Seller's mind and the Keeper's mind. For example, if we were to stay here, then the guest room would stay blue. If we are selling, its getting painted beige. If we are keeping, I want a green accent wall in out bedroom. If we are selling, it should all be beige. If we are keeping, then I want a nice stove that perfectly matches the dishwasher and fridge, if we are selling, we are just going to give the current, nice dishwasher to the inlaws and buy plain, fairly cheap stove and dishwasher for the house.

Im so sick of this crap. Seriously. I do feel better, though, that the date is getting closer. I mean, the contract is up October 1st, so at least by then we will know something!!

Moving Right Along

So, Dh and his co-workers gave their company til this Tuesday to tell them when, where and if they are moving us. Everyone is beyond frustrated. They had been telling 7 people for the past 2 years that they are going to find places for all of them. Now, here it is, 37 days before the contract is up, and no one has found another place in the current company!

Anyway, we havent heard anything, and we dont expect to hear of anything before Tuesday. So, currently plan is we are staying here and signing on with the new company. The new company isnt required to hire the same people, but if they do hire them, they are required to keep them at the same pay rate or higher for 2 years. So that would mean we have 2 years to find something else. DH is 98% sure they are going to hire him, but he is frustrated because they are holding interviews and wont let anyone know who is hired and who isnt until Sept 15th. So, we are still in limbo, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

DH and I discussed it, and Wednesday morning, providing that we havent heard anything about a move, I am going to make an appointment with my doctor to see where we need to go now, and how much it will be for a laproscopy.

Im still not sure if I want to continue to go to this doctor, or if I want to go to an infertility clinic in San Antonio or Austin. My doc is from San Antonio, so Im sure she can refer me to an RE up there. Plus, since my dad and step-mom know all about the trouble we've been having, it wouldnt be such a big deal to stay with them when I have appointments. It would just be expensive because of gas, but its very do-able.
I'm just not sure if I want to go to an RE or stick with an OB-gyn for a bit. Having my Ob-gyn just 2 blocks down the street is nice, but it would be nice to have the expertise of an actual RE too. In either case I want to consult my current doc.

It feels a lot better to have a direction now, even if things are still uncertain, its better than just floating aimlessly, unable to do anything.
I really would have liked to have had the chance to move, but c'est la vie, and now is our chance to look for something in San Antonio or Austin, where we really want to be anyway.

As Expected...

... I am going nuts because I dont know when or if I(ve) ovulated.
I havent been temping, but I have been tracking my cm. I thought that would work because normally I get about a week of ewcm before I ovulate. Nope. Hardly any this time. Just a few sporadic days. And it was making me nutty so I took my temp when I got up, and it was high, but I also had a migraine, so that could have affected things. Uhg. I dont know.

I know I cant do anything but just wait, but its making me crazy. Its also got me concerned because last time I started a new work out routine, it was just before I started charting, I had an almost-3-month-long cycle. I dont want to do that again. That was nerve wracking. Though, Im more informed now than I was back then, so at least I wont be doing the "OMG! This HPT says negative, but its been 2 months, I HAVE to be pregnant!" thing. That was so annoying.

I guess I will just wait out AF and then decide if I want to temp next cycle even though we wont be trying.

I got TAGGED

Candice tagged me! Let's see if I can think of anything, lol.

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.


1) The instructions above originally jumped between first and second person and it was making me crazy, so I fixed it.

2) I have been able to swim since I was 6 months old. We lived near a lake, and my mom was worried about us falling in to the lake, so she got us in to baby swim classes. As a very little kid, I can remember arguing with the life guard at our local pool, because the rule was that kids under 7 had to wear life vests at all times. I distinctly remember telling him that I wasnt "a stupid little baby" and that I wouldnt wear it. The life guards gave my brother and I a swim test, which included swimming in the deep end (10 or 12 feet) swimming down, touching the bottom, and coming back up. The life guards about fell over when we did it and we got special passes that the life guards made up that allowed us to use the diving board and swim without life vests even though we were too young.

3) I am fine with doing chores, actually like some of them, but Im bad about not finishing. I dont mind doing dishes, but I hate putting them away, so the dishwasher stays full of clean dishes, and my sink gets filled up with dirty ones. Similar thing with the laundry. I dont mind doing it, but I tend to drag my feet about putting them away.

4) Im terrified of turning in to my mother, but wouldnt mind turning in to my step mom.

5) Im very bad about calling people back. Even family.

6) As badly as I want to be a mom, Im also scared of it, and occasionally, for one terrible moment, I think it might be a blessing that we dont have kids because I worry what kind of mom I will be, and then I feel horribly guilty for thinking that.


Ok, and now I need to tag people.
I tried to pick people that havent been tagged yet, but Im not sure if ya'll have or not. If you have, deal, because I dont know many people on Blogger ;)

• Vanessa
• Shari


Ok, actually, Im completely out of people that havent been tagged.
Im leaving this up to you, Candice, do I just add 4 more people that have already been tagged, or do I leave it at 2?

Did I get it back?

Last night I felt like painting, but didnt feel like wasting a precious canvas on something unplanned. While digging around in my "craft closet" (the closet in the guest room and is packed to the brim with supplies for everything from crochet projects to clay for small sculptures) I found a frosted glass bottle that I bought back in high school with the intention of painting it, but I never did. (by the by, it is very easy to paint an already frosted piece of glass, if its not frosted, you have to prep it and essentially frost it so the paint will stick)Soooo...I painted it.

Im not sure what I think of it. Im not even sure its done. DH like is and wants me to "hurry up and finish it" so we can put it somewhere in the living room.
Im just not sure I like it, BUT I know Im my own worst critic. I feel I could do better, but Id have to buy a new bottle to do that.
Oh well, good or bad, here it is, in order of "steps"...the last one is just to give a better idea of the colors. It doesnt look that bright in real life. It looks very dark, but kinda cool when the sun shines through it.

RE: last Post

Ok, so Im making a new post, but it is kind of a rely to Mandy and Joy too ;)

I think maybe I was focusing too much on making it mean something to me.
I went and got some canvases today and I think Im going to try painting some still lifes or paint from photos and see if I can do better.
Plus, for me, painting requires more concentration and effort than drawing. Drawing can be rather tedious and mindless sometimes. Painting not so much.

I think Im going to try painting and see if it all comes rushing back.
*crosses fingers* Here's hoping!

And thanks for the support ladies. You all know who you are.
I dont think Id make it through this crap without ya'll.

Use it or lose it.

So, when I was younger and was going through a very rocky time, my outlet was art. It literally saved my life.
My sketch book was like my diary. All my feelings were poured in to it. Everythought in my brain was put on the paper.

All day Ive been wanting to paint. Its like a craving. I NEED it.
I have no canvas and no paper strong enough to handle acrylic paint.
All the craft stores in this wretched town are closed on Sundays.
I settled for drawing and broke out my Prismacolors.

I drew and drew and drew and drew and drew....and it turned out crap.
I want to rip up the drawings. They are just awful.
I used to be good. I used to be talented.

Its the curse of many artists, when youre depressed and things are going wrong, you can paint, sculpt, sing, write, whatever, all day long. When youre happy, there is no inspiration.
I spent the past 5 years happy. Painting and drawing fell to the side.
Kael, my dogs, my house, my friends became my inspiration and my art.
Now I need my outlet. I need to draw, and Ive lost the talent I used to have.
I lost the ability to see it in my mind and put it on paper, or canvas, or plaster, or whatever. Its gone.

Drawing used to be therapy, now it is torture. I draw, then pull it back and look at it, and its shit! Complete shit!
The only thing I was ever good at is gone now. Now when I really, desperately need it.

Random rant.

Random Rant #1
My dogs need a yard :(

Im so sick of not having a proper yard. Its really annoying.
We have a little patio (about 10 ft by 10ft) with a tiny patch of dirt (a triangle thats about 3 ft on each side) and the rest is concrete.

Well, even though it is completely enclosed, we still get a ton of lizards and bugs in it.

I guess Chelsea is bored because she keeps sitting at the back door watching for critters, then barks at me to open the door when she sees one.
I want to leave the door open for her to just go out and chase them when she pleases, but it is soooo hot out. Its 7pm and the heat index is 99°! Have I mentioned that August is my least favorite month of the year?

DH and I are convinced. If we end up moving, we are probably going to be in an apartment for a year or so, then we are getting a proper house with a proper yard and a DOGGIE DOOR! And its not because Im too lazy to take the dogs out, but because they LOVE having a yard. I mean LOVE it. And they love to come and go as they please.
When we go to my dad's at about 6 or 7 am when he gets up he just goes and opens the back door to let the dogs and cat out and just leaves it open. Chelsea and Snickers (Snickers was my dog, now he's my dad's dog) have a ball! They will walk about for hours sniffing the ground, then sitting on the patio and sniffing the wind, then back to the grass. Theodore likes it, but just because he doesnt have to wait for Chelsea to do her business to go back in.
You can tell that Theo and Mitzi (dad's other dog) were strays because they go out, do their business, and then bolt for the A/C.

I think even if we dont move we will still get a proper house.
DH works about 50 miles south of here, and if we stay, the University I want to go to is in that town too. Whats the point in both of us driving down there every weekday just to be near the city conveniences on the weekends? It would make more sense to live in that crappy little town and drive up to Corpus on the weekends.
So, either way, in roughly a year, we're moving to a house. Hopefully.



Random Rant #2
Im so ticked off at Kael's work.
Uhg.
For the past 2 months they have him on nights for a week or two, then change their minds and want him on days. Then they change their minds again and put him back on nights. So every few weeks he gets two days to completely flip his sleep schedule. He has to go from sleeping from about 10am to 6pm to sleeping from about 8pm to about 4am. And because of it, he's getting sick, allergies are bothering him more than usual, and he's so freaking grumpy all the time.
NOW this past Thursday they tell him "Oh, by the way, we need someone to work on Sunday, and no one has volunteered, so you're doing it." Every fucking time they have no one volunteer for OT he gets forced in to it!
So, last week he was working nights. He got off work at 7am Friday morning. He has to be back at work at 4:30 am Sunday morning! How insane is that??? And he had no say so!
I told him he could put his boss on the phone and I could tell her where to get off, but he said it wasnt worth it since he will really only have that job for 2 more months. But that means 2 MORE months of them screwing him around like this.
Plus the stress of being in limbo. Are we moving, are we not? Is he going to have a dependable job, or not? Do we have to get the house ready to sell, or not? Plus this TTC bullshit.
Im seriously on the verge of driving down to his work with him tomorrow and going off.

TTC Stress

Ok, here's the TTC part--which, ya know, is why I made this blog.

Last night DH lost it. I mean lost it.
I was listening to a new cd I got, and wasnt paying attention and glanced over and he was crying. I kind of froze. I didnt know what to do. Ive only seen him cry twice.
Once, his dad was really sick, and his mom was making it seem worse than it was, anyway, DH broke down.
Second time was when we both had BAD food poisoning, and along with taking care of himself, he took care of me too (I didnt expect him to, and for a long time I didnt know he was sick too, but I was too sick to object) and when he was feeling better he broke down just because he was so stressed and felt so awful. I mean, I had been crying for almost 18 hours straight, I can completely understand him crying over it too.
Both times, though, he cried for 10 minutes, maybe. Then regained himself and acted like it never happened.

Last night was random. He was just sitting on the couch crying, and when Id ask him whats wrong, hes just bawl "I dont know!".
It had me COMPLETELY freaked out. It was over an hour. I kept trying to calm him down, but it made it worse. And he kept hugging me so hard that Id have to push him away because I couldnt breathe.
He finally said he thinks its because for the past year I have been a ball of nerves over this TTC stuff. Ive been sick, Ive been an emotional mess, Ive been obsessive, Ive really just been an utter mess. He said me being so upset for so long just got to him.
Im kind of mad because all the times he just brush me off when Id get mad or upset. he never told me it upset him too! He just acted like I was over reacting. Now I kind of think he brushed me off because he wanted to shield himself form getting upset with me. I think, being a guy, he didnt know that admitting that it got to him too would make me feel less isolated, and therefore, maybe, less upset.

Anyway, all day Ive seriously been considering just giving up on TTC til the beginning of 2009. I really dont want to, and I know the first month of not temping or using OPKs will freak me out because I wont know when to expect AF, but I just dont know if TTC is right for us right now. I mean, its causing this much stress, and with the possibility of moving cross country in 2 months (and it will be spur of the moment if we do) we really need to save every penny and cant afford to go to counseling. And there are no IF support groups here. I dont know why I even bothered looking, I mean, there are no RE's and the only OB-GYN office that is supposed to specialize in infertility gives you a weird look when you say "I want to get pregnant and I cant" because they are so used to "I dont want to get pregnant, but I am".

Ok, back on track. I just dont know. I wonder if giving up on TTC for a few months will just add to the stress. I mean, its not like seeing pregnant women or hearing about ANOTHER friend being pregnant will hurt any less if we are "not trying, but not preventing" so a part of me cant really see how it would help, but also a part of me thinks it may be what we need. Kind of like a vacation without leaving home.

What really stinks is that it will be a few days before I can talk to DH about it. He's asleep right now for work in the morning, then when he comes home tomorrow he will likely be exhausted and grumpy and not up for a long, emotional discussion, and I expect the same thing Monday.
Im also scared to bring it up because I know I wont be able to resist crying and Im scared it will upset him again. I feel so utterly guilty over that whole thing. I mean, I had no idea how upset I had been making him. I feel like such a selfish bitch, and now I am scared to bring up anything TTC with him.


Sorry this is so long, I needed a good rant, and I didnt want to crowd the boards with my long-winded, selfish ramblings. So, thanks if you got through this, and I apologize for misspellings or anything that didnt make sense. I did this kind of similar to free writing and just typed what came in to my head, which is very therapeutic by the way, and I feel loads better.