CD1

So, its time for an update, yes? Yes.

Im on CD1 and Im am NOT continuing with the clomid. I didnt realize how lousy I felt on it, til I was off it. I know it means I will be probably ovulating around CD25 and possibly anytime between CD15 and CD...well...nothing, and that is frustrating when you dont know when to even expect it, but it was far more frustrating being an utter emotional basketcase and everything sending me in to crying jags and/or panic attacks.

Im not even sure if I should keep track of my ovulation. I mean, at this point, its habit. I dont expect to get pregnant.
We have been charting for the past year and 2 months. We started trying 6 months before that. We started the "not trying, not preventing" stuff 3 months before that. And for the 2 years before that we technically werent using protection. *coughpulloutcough*
If, through all of that we havent gotten pregnant, I dont think we will without medical intervention. Ive come to the conclusion, that since its been this long and Ive never been pregnant even though I ovulate pretty much every month and we time it perfect there is one of 3 things going on:

1) DH has an extremely low sperm count.
2) One or both of my tubes are completely blocked.
3) something is wrong with my uterus and the eggs are unable to implant.

Thats all I can figure.
And since finding out that my mom had endo (Im STILL mad that I didnt find out til now, btw) I am more convinced than ever that I probably have it and it is causing problems.

We are still in limbo, though.
DH still hasnt heard anything new on the job. Right now it is sounding like there is a 45% chance we are staying here, 45% chance of going to Charleston, and a slim chance of going to San Antonio, Oklahoma City or Kansas City. So, basically its still a toss up. A move means kick ass insurance that will be the key of us getting pregnant. Staying means we can probably do a lap, but if we need to do anything else (like IUI or IVF) t will probably be a year or more before we can.
In either case, barring a crazy miracle (I cant think of a better word) I dont see us getting pregnant anytime this year, and thats a really hard pill to swallow.
We've been trying so long that I dont really know how to do anything else, but I also have been doing this long enough to know that it just isnt going to happen on our own.

I think Im just out of hope. Ive had to take what little I have left and send it off to the horizon and pray that in 6 months a new year will bring new chances.

As soon as we hear one way or the other on a job Im going to kick in to gear. I mean, if we get one with the kickass insurance I will be worried about moving and fixing up the house. If we end up having to stay here, well then we are going to find a way to get the money together to have a lap asap.

And ya know, even though I had no hope for this cycle, Im still heartbroken that AF came on time. I was hoping it would be a little late at least. I think Ive become addicted to those last 3 days of my cycle. That flutter of hope that maybe this is it. Looking forward to what my due date would be and thinking of what relatives have birthdays close to it. This time it snuck up on me. I wasnt keeping good mental track of my cycle, and was thinking I had at least 2 more days til it started, but nope. Here it is. On time. No flutters. No hope. Just a crushing sensation of all the weight I put on myself and the guilt of what Im doing to my husband, and then all that damned physical crap that goes with it and knowing that none of it will ease up in the next 3 days.

Trying to get a grip

So, DH and I decided that we are taking a break from Clomid this cycle.
Im just losing it. I start crying randomly, I feel self-conscious, and I am getting fairly bad agoraphobia and panic attacks. Just going to the store took so much out of me emotionally, that I would come home and sleep for hours.

Im 7 days in to my "Clomid break" and I was hoping it would make a big difference, but I still feel the crazy up and downs of it. The past 3 months I have hardly left the house because being around too many people just makes me feel like Im going to lose it (either break down crying or fly in to a rage) at the drop of a hat.

Last Thursday I plucked up some courage and went to a friend's house, something I havent done in quite a while.

Background: Jason and James are brothers. James has 4 kids, all almost stair steps, and his wife is wanting them to have another. Jason and his wife have had 4 m/c, the docs dont know why, and have really stopped trying because she has depression and anxiety problems anyway, and adding to it was, well, lets just say it was too much for her. (Not talking down about her, I really feel so bad for her, because I can tell it really upsets her, but she doesnt talk about it, and Im not about to push her).

So, when we went over there, it was Jason, his wife Jessie, James, me and Kael. Kael asked James where his wife was and he said "At home with the kids. Someone's gotta watch them."
DH, trying to be funny, but also trying to give him the hint not to talk about his kids too much said "Oh yeah, rub it in, man."
Jason said "Yeah, no kidding. We've been trying for over five years."
and Kael said "Yeah, we're just almost at the two year mark."
Jason: "It sucks huh?"
Jessie looked down at her drink, and the look on her face and the sadness in Kael and Jason's voices, and then James looking so guilty. I almost lost it. Really. I was thisclose to walking out side because I was going to start crying.
I managed to keep it together. Not a single tear. I was SO proud of myself. Kept it in.
I started thinking that maybe Im going back to normal and allowing myself to feel sad about things without losing it completely.

On Friday we went to the In-Law's. We were there all day. All. Day.
For some reason near the end of the evening I couldnt take it. I felt just uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was yelling, when they werent, I got this crazy nauseated, scared feeling when MIL or SIL would hug me. I ended up going out to the car, and cleaned it while crying. Kael came out to talk to me but I just couldnt stop crying.
I dont even really know why! Its like I felt like everything (emotionally) had just caved in on top of me. I was mad at everyone and sad too, and uhg! I was mad at myself for losing it when I thought I had control of my crazies. So, I got it together long enough for us to stay there another 30 mins or so. Just long enough to say "bye" really.

Saturday I did okay. Felt sad randomly, then happy, then sad, but no breakdowns.
Today the same up and down, but when we went to see Wall-E I cried at the beginning. It wasnt even sad. But I teared up. Dunno why. :roll:
And Im still getting the ups and downs, but no crazies yet.

Uhg, Im sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent. I still feel like Im losing it, though its more mild than before. Im thinking maybe I need to take next month off of Clomid too.
I think I just feel disappointed. I thought I was getting a grip, but now? *sigh*. I did manage to get the point across to DH that Im not being anti-social or rude when I dont go places with him lately, but that it really does take a major toll on me. All this coming and going this weekend, I have been sleeping like crazy. Sleeping all night long, and taking naps...though its a nice switch since Ive been having insomnia problems, but Id rather not have to go in to an spiraling, burning emotional wreck to get that sleep.

Maybe the Clomid isnt worth it. Maybe I should just skip the next 2 or 3 months of it and just go to the next step.
Im just so sick of this hopeless feeling...but I dont think that is going away anytime soon. On or off Clomid.