Use it or lose it.

So, when I was younger and was going through a very rocky time, my outlet was art. It literally saved my life.
My sketch book was like my diary. All my feelings were poured in to it. Everythought in my brain was put on the paper.

All day Ive been wanting to paint. Its like a craving. I NEED it.
I have no canvas and no paper strong enough to handle acrylic paint.
All the craft stores in this wretched town are closed on Sundays.
I settled for drawing and broke out my Prismacolors.

I drew and drew and drew and drew and drew....and it turned out crap.
I want to rip up the drawings. They are just awful.
I used to be good. I used to be talented.

Its the curse of many artists, when youre depressed and things are going wrong, you can paint, sculpt, sing, write, whatever, all day long. When youre happy, there is no inspiration.
I spent the past 5 years happy. Painting and drawing fell to the side.
Kael, my dogs, my house, my friends became my inspiration and my art.
Now I need my outlet. I need to draw, and Ive lost the talent I used to have.
I lost the ability to see it in my mind and put it on paper, or canvas, or plaster, or whatever. Its gone.

Drawing used to be therapy, now it is torture. I draw, then pull it back and look at it, and its shit! Complete shit!
The only thing I was ever good at is gone now. Now when I really, desperately need it.

Random rant.

Random Rant #1
My dogs need a yard :(

Im so sick of not having a proper yard. Its really annoying.
We have a little patio (about 10 ft by 10ft) with a tiny patch of dirt (a triangle thats about 3 ft on each side) and the rest is concrete.

Well, even though it is completely enclosed, we still get a ton of lizards and bugs in it.

I guess Chelsea is bored because she keeps sitting at the back door watching for critters, then barks at me to open the door when she sees one.
I want to leave the door open for her to just go out and chase them when she pleases, but it is soooo hot out. Its 7pm and the heat index is 99°! Have I mentioned that August is my least favorite month of the year?

DH and I are convinced. If we end up moving, we are probably going to be in an apartment for a year or so, then we are getting a proper house with a proper yard and a DOGGIE DOOR! And its not because Im too lazy to take the dogs out, but because they LOVE having a yard. I mean LOVE it. And they love to come and go as they please.
When we go to my dad's at about 6 or 7 am when he gets up he just goes and opens the back door to let the dogs and cat out and just leaves it open. Chelsea and Snickers (Snickers was my dog, now he's my dad's dog) have a ball! They will walk about for hours sniffing the ground, then sitting on the patio and sniffing the wind, then back to the grass. Theodore likes it, but just because he doesnt have to wait for Chelsea to do her business to go back in.
You can tell that Theo and Mitzi (dad's other dog) were strays because they go out, do their business, and then bolt for the A/C.

I think even if we dont move we will still get a proper house.
DH works about 50 miles south of here, and if we stay, the University I want to go to is in that town too. Whats the point in both of us driving down there every weekday just to be near the city conveniences on the weekends? It would make more sense to live in that crappy little town and drive up to Corpus on the weekends.
So, either way, in roughly a year, we're moving to a house. Hopefully.



Random Rant #2
Im so ticked off at Kael's work.
Uhg.
For the past 2 months they have him on nights for a week or two, then change their minds and want him on days. Then they change their minds again and put him back on nights. So every few weeks he gets two days to completely flip his sleep schedule. He has to go from sleeping from about 10am to 6pm to sleeping from about 8pm to about 4am. And because of it, he's getting sick, allergies are bothering him more than usual, and he's so freaking grumpy all the time.
NOW this past Thursday they tell him "Oh, by the way, we need someone to work on Sunday, and no one has volunteered, so you're doing it." Every fucking time they have no one volunteer for OT he gets forced in to it!
So, last week he was working nights. He got off work at 7am Friday morning. He has to be back at work at 4:30 am Sunday morning! How insane is that??? And he had no say so!
I told him he could put his boss on the phone and I could tell her where to get off, but he said it wasnt worth it since he will really only have that job for 2 more months. But that means 2 MORE months of them screwing him around like this.
Plus the stress of being in limbo. Are we moving, are we not? Is he going to have a dependable job, or not? Do we have to get the house ready to sell, or not? Plus this TTC bullshit.
Im seriously on the verge of driving down to his work with him tomorrow and going off.

TTC Stress

Ok, here's the TTC part--which, ya know, is why I made this blog.

Last night DH lost it. I mean lost it.
I was listening to a new cd I got, and wasnt paying attention and glanced over and he was crying. I kind of froze. I didnt know what to do. Ive only seen him cry twice.
Once, his dad was really sick, and his mom was making it seem worse than it was, anyway, DH broke down.
Second time was when we both had BAD food poisoning, and along with taking care of himself, he took care of me too (I didnt expect him to, and for a long time I didnt know he was sick too, but I was too sick to object) and when he was feeling better he broke down just because he was so stressed and felt so awful. I mean, I had been crying for almost 18 hours straight, I can completely understand him crying over it too.
Both times, though, he cried for 10 minutes, maybe. Then regained himself and acted like it never happened.

Last night was random. He was just sitting on the couch crying, and when Id ask him whats wrong, hes just bawl "I dont know!".
It had me COMPLETELY freaked out. It was over an hour. I kept trying to calm him down, but it made it worse. And he kept hugging me so hard that Id have to push him away because I couldnt breathe.
He finally said he thinks its because for the past year I have been a ball of nerves over this TTC stuff. Ive been sick, Ive been an emotional mess, Ive been obsessive, Ive really just been an utter mess. He said me being so upset for so long just got to him.
Im kind of mad because all the times he just brush me off when Id get mad or upset. he never told me it upset him too! He just acted like I was over reacting. Now I kind of think he brushed me off because he wanted to shield himself form getting upset with me. I think, being a guy, he didnt know that admitting that it got to him too would make me feel less isolated, and therefore, maybe, less upset.

Anyway, all day Ive seriously been considering just giving up on TTC til the beginning of 2009. I really dont want to, and I know the first month of not temping or using OPKs will freak me out because I wont know when to expect AF, but I just dont know if TTC is right for us right now. I mean, its causing this much stress, and with the possibility of moving cross country in 2 months (and it will be spur of the moment if we do) we really need to save every penny and cant afford to go to counseling. And there are no IF support groups here. I dont know why I even bothered looking, I mean, there are no RE's and the only OB-GYN office that is supposed to specialize in infertility gives you a weird look when you say "I want to get pregnant and I cant" because they are so used to "I dont want to get pregnant, but I am".

Ok, back on track. I just dont know. I wonder if giving up on TTC for a few months will just add to the stress. I mean, its not like seeing pregnant women or hearing about ANOTHER friend being pregnant will hurt any less if we are "not trying, but not preventing" so a part of me cant really see how it would help, but also a part of me thinks it may be what we need. Kind of like a vacation without leaving home.

What really stinks is that it will be a few days before I can talk to DH about it. He's asleep right now for work in the morning, then when he comes home tomorrow he will likely be exhausted and grumpy and not up for a long, emotional discussion, and I expect the same thing Monday.
Im also scared to bring it up because I know I wont be able to resist crying and Im scared it will upset him again. I feel so utterly guilty over that whole thing. I mean, I had no idea how upset I had been making him. I feel like such a selfish bitch, and now I am scared to bring up anything TTC with him.


Sorry this is so long, I needed a good rant, and I didnt want to crowd the boards with my long-winded, selfish ramblings. So, thanks if you got through this, and I apologize for misspellings or anything that didnt make sense. I did this kind of similar to free writing and just typed what came in to my head, which is very therapeutic by the way, and I feel loads better.

CD1

So, its time for an update, yes? Yes.

Im on CD1 and Im am NOT continuing with the clomid. I didnt realize how lousy I felt on it, til I was off it. I know it means I will be probably ovulating around CD25 and possibly anytime between CD15 and CD...well...nothing, and that is frustrating when you dont know when to even expect it, but it was far more frustrating being an utter emotional basketcase and everything sending me in to crying jags and/or panic attacks.

Im not even sure if I should keep track of my ovulation. I mean, at this point, its habit. I dont expect to get pregnant.
We have been charting for the past year and 2 months. We started trying 6 months before that. We started the "not trying, not preventing" stuff 3 months before that. And for the 2 years before that we technically werent using protection. *coughpulloutcough*
If, through all of that we havent gotten pregnant, I dont think we will without medical intervention. Ive come to the conclusion, that since its been this long and Ive never been pregnant even though I ovulate pretty much every month and we time it perfect there is one of 3 things going on:

1) DH has an extremely low sperm count.
2) One or both of my tubes are completely blocked.
3) something is wrong with my uterus and the eggs are unable to implant.

Thats all I can figure.
And since finding out that my mom had endo (Im STILL mad that I didnt find out til now, btw) I am more convinced than ever that I probably have it and it is causing problems.

We are still in limbo, though.
DH still hasnt heard anything new on the job. Right now it is sounding like there is a 45% chance we are staying here, 45% chance of going to Charleston, and a slim chance of going to San Antonio, Oklahoma City or Kansas City. So, basically its still a toss up. A move means kick ass insurance that will be the key of us getting pregnant. Staying means we can probably do a lap, but if we need to do anything else (like IUI or IVF) t will probably be a year or more before we can.
In either case, barring a crazy miracle (I cant think of a better word) I dont see us getting pregnant anytime this year, and thats a really hard pill to swallow.
We've been trying so long that I dont really know how to do anything else, but I also have been doing this long enough to know that it just isnt going to happen on our own.

I think Im just out of hope. Ive had to take what little I have left and send it off to the horizon and pray that in 6 months a new year will bring new chances.

As soon as we hear one way or the other on a job Im going to kick in to gear. I mean, if we get one with the kickass insurance I will be worried about moving and fixing up the house. If we end up having to stay here, well then we are going to find a way to get the money together to have a lap asap.

And ya know, even though I had no hope for this cycle, Im still heartbroken that AF came on time. I was hoping it would be a little late at least. I think Ive become addicted to those last 3 days of my cycle. That flutter of hope that maybe this is it. Looking forward to what my due date would be and thinking of what relatives have birthdays close to it. This time it snuck up on me. I wasnt keeping good mental track of my cycle, and was thinking I had at least 2 more days til it started, but nope. Here it is. On time. No flutters. No hope. Just a crushing sensation of all the weight I put on myself and the guilt of what Im doing to my husband, and then all that damned physical crap that goes with it and knowing that none of it will ease up in the next 3 days.

Trying to get a grip

So, DH and I decided that we are taking a break from Clomid this cycle.
Im just losing it. I start crying randomly, I feel self-conscious, and I am getting fairly bad agoraphobia and panic attacks. Just going to the store took so much out of me emotionally, that I would come home and sleep for hours.

Im 7 days in to my "Clomid break" and I was hoping it would make a big difference, but I still feel the crazy up and downs of it. The past 3 months I have hardly left the house because being around too many people just makes me feel like Im going to lose it (either break down crying or fly in to a rage) at the drop of a hat.

Last Thursday I plucked up some courage and went to a friend's house, something I havent done in quite a while.

Background: Jason and James are brothers. James has 4 kids, all almost stair steps, and his wife is wanting them to have another. Jason and his wife have had 4 m/c, the docs dont know why, and have really stopped trying because she has depression and anxiety problems anyway, and adding to it was, well, lets just say it was too much for her. (Not talking down about her, I really feel so bad for her, because I can tell it really upsets her, but she doesnt talk about it, and Im not about to push her).

So, when we went over there, it was Jason, his wife Jessie, James, me and Kael. Kael asked James where his wife was and he said "At home with the kids. Someone's gotta watch them."
DH, trying to be funny, but also trying to give him the hint not to talk about his kids too much said "Oh yeah, rub it in, man."
Jason said "Yeah, no kidding. We've been trying for over five years."
and Kael said "Yeah, we're just almost at the two year mark."
Jason: "It sucks huh?"
Jessie looked down at her drink, and the look on her face and the sadness in Kael and Jason's voices, and then James looking so guilty. I almost lost it. Really. I was thisclose to walking out side because I was going to start crying.
I managed to keep it together. Not a single tear. I was SO proud of myself. Kept it in.
I started thinking that maybe Im going back to normal and allowing myself to feel sad about things without losing it completely.

On Friday we went to the In-Law's. We were there all day. All. Day.
For some reason near the end of the evening I couldnt take it. I felt just uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was yelling, when they werent, I got this crazy nauseated, scared feeling when MIL or SIL would hug me. I ended up going out to the car, and cleaned it while crying. Kael came out to talk to me but I just couldnt stop crying.
I dont even really know why! Its like I felt like everything (emotionally) had just caved in on top of me. I was mad at everyone and sad too, and uhg! I was mad at myself for losing it when I thought I had control of my crazies. So, I got it together long enough for us to stay there another 30 mins or so. Just long enough to say "bye" really.

Saturday I did okay. Felt sad randomly, then happy, then sad, but no breakdowns.
Today the same up and down, but when we went to see Wall-E I cried at the beginning. It wasnt even sad. But I teared up. Dunno why. :roll:
And Im still getting the ups and downs, but no crazies yet.

Uhg, Im sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent. I still feel like Im losing it, though its more mild than before. Im thinking maybe I need to take next month off of Clomid too.
I think I just feel disappointed. I thought I was getting a grip, but now? *sigh*. I did manage to get the point across to DH that Im not being anti-social or rude when I dont go places with him lately, but that it really does take a major toll on me. All this coming and going this weekend, I have been sleeping like crazy. Sleeping all night long, and taking naps...though its a nice switch since Ive been having insomnia problems, but Id rather not have to go in to an spiraling, burning emotional wreck to get that sleep.

Maybe the Clomid isnt worth it. Maybe I should just skip the next 2 or 3 months of it and just go to the next step.
Im just so sick of this hopeless feeling...but I dont think that is going away anytime soon. On or off Clomid.

Life just isnt fair...

So, pretty much everyone reading this knows about all this. Our friend struggled for so long and finally got her BFP and I think all of us were over the moon for her. Such a sweet person, really genuine and she finally got that blessing. Everything goes along fine then BAM! Gone.
I cant imagine the pain she's going through. I feel utterly sick for her. I feel so upset for her, so sad and so very very angry!
Why does this happen? Why???
So many out there can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, even when they dont want to, even when they use protection, even when they are drug users or drink even when they know they are pregnant or they do everything in their power to get rid of the pregnancy. Then others, that are so very very deserving, have to struggle so hard. They have to wade through the pain and the heartache for so very long seemingly to no avail!!! It isnt right!!!!


Last night DH had some friends over and they were all outside, so I got bored and watched Sex & the City because it was the only thing on. Naturally its the episode where Miranda, who has a "lazy ovary", gets pregnant unexpectedly by some guy that has one testicle AND Charlotte found out she had anti-sperm antibodies.
Ya know, it does make me feel better when I see infertility being addressed on tv shows and when they show that it truly is a struggle, but uhg, it just made me feel like crud too. Just a reminder of all those frustrations and fears.
Though in the show, they did a semi-good job of showing some of the idiotic things people say and how hurtful and ridiculous they are (EX: "Well, cant Miranda just give Charlotte her baby?") so, I guess thats a plus, yes?

Its just so infuriating. I wish it could be just as simple as getting a drivers license or something. Pass a little quiz, congratulations here's your BFP.

*muttering*

I hate rude, self-centered, idiotic bitches.






*end transmission*

GRRRRR

I know I havent been on here in a while and I apologize. I really do. Ive just been kind of down lately and havent really wanted to moan and whine to myself about it. But I need to vent so here it is:

This was in a thread talking about infertility and heredity. Most of the women were basically saying that their moms were fertile mytles, but they wonder if back in the line (grandmas and aunts) there werent some others that had problems and maybe there is something to the heredity thing. So then someone posts:

My mum got pregnant very easily. Once on the pill, once using condoms and twice after being steralised.

I am pregnant with my fourth and took 6 months, 2 months, 1 month, and 3 months respectively to fall with them.

My mum was adopted because her adoptive mother tried for years for a baby but never managed it and adopted after about 7 years.

Her birth mother had two babies adopted as well as one she kept so I guess she fell easily too.

I wonder if there is a general link (I know it doesn't automatically follow for everyone)

And I think she's saying that her grandma had problems and she really doesnt so it works both ways and that her mom fell pg eaily so maybe that why she did too. (At least I hope thats what she is saying! I hope she isnt saying that she thinks she has IF problems) But doesnt that seem like a slap in the face to be posting on a TTC board?
Its like:
"All of you are venting because its been months or years and you still cant get pregnant! And look at me, I have four kids and it took me less time to fall pregnant with them collectively than its taking some of you to fall pregnant with #1! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

It just really irked me. And her siggy was full of BF blinkies and ones about her kids ( "You cant scare me, I have 3 kids", etc). Woman! What the hell are you doing on an IF site?! I know some use it for charting, but seriously, it seems like she's being an insensitive bitch for getting on General TTC and throwing in her "advice" on things.