Im back:)

So Im back on FF. That didnt last long, I was worried that it would be a few days.

Thanks for the love ladies.

Im still ticked though, Kelly said it beautifully:

I completely agree.
Im ticked also because I got suspended or whatever they call it. Even if it was short it was unjust.
I personally make it a point to avoid the drama. When the drama starts up, I literally walk away. I have better things to do than deal with some immature women that think they are somehow better than any other woman on the planet because they managed to have multiples. Im telling you ladies, I dream of having twins or trips. I would be over the moon if I managed to get pregnant with multiples (mostly because Im so scared that we will only be able to have one child and Ive always wanted a big family, so I worry that having multiples will be our only chance at that) but I can tell you, I wouldnt go to their MoM board. And I wouldnt be a high-and-mighty bitch about it and rub it in everyone's face. Congratulations MoMs you managed to get 2 or 3 or however many eggs fertilized instead of one. Whoop-de-friggin-do. Want a cookie?

Im so irritated, those witches come over to "our side" uninvited and uninstigated (is that a word?) and WE are the ones that get suspended and reprimanded?! Seriously I feel like Im back in middle school. It doesnt matter who started it, anyone caught fighting or name calling gets suspended. Plus I wasnt even name-calling!!!!!!!


GRRRRR! Im so annoyed.

Blogging

I have been a really horrid blogger and blogging friend. Im sorry :(

I updated "My Stops" with ya'lls blogs to remind myself to keep up with them. Im sorry I havent been. I kind of forgot about Blogger at all.

So, look at My Stops, if youre not there and want to be, let me know (that means any of my FF sisters that have a blog and arent there, because that means I didnt know you had a blog OR it is private and I cant read it). If you dont want your name used or dont want a link there, let me know and I will change it or remove it.

Im sorry ladies, I really am.

My name is Ani and I vow to be a better friend ;)

Well...

....it was only a matter of time, but seriously I could have gotten banned for actually doing something wrong. I dont know why Im banned.

I dont even know if Im banned. I can read posts but not post myself (which is BEYOND irritating).

Anyone know how long this will last?

My dear FF friends leave me love until I can rejoin you :)

Uhg

I hate mother's day. Im glad I didnt have to do anything today, and Im actually really glad my mom didnt answer the phone when I called.
Ive been in a bad mood the past two weeks in anticipation of this miserable day and thank goodness it is almost over.

Pity party

Yup BFN at 11dpo. I know 11dpo is a bit early, but Im pretty sure the negative is accurate.
I was fine with it at first, but as the day went on, I just got depressed. I dont know why, I mean, I was okay with it. Next cycle we are doubling the Clomid, so that increases my chances that much more right? But still the BFN is getting to me. You'd think that after 16 months 12 cycles of them Id be used to it, ya know? I even knew it would be negative this time. I knew the odds were against getting pregnant on the first round of Clomid, plus the 11 BFN cycles before it should have given me a big clue, but still, I so hoped I was wrong.
Im so mad at myself for getting so upset, but still Im upset.
Im starting to feel like I just cant take it any more. I know that compared to some others Im still at the beginning of this journey, but I dont know how much more I can take! I feel like Im losing it. Im so sick of it! But if I stop trying, its not like its going to hurt any less when I see cute babies or toddlers in the grocery store or when my freinds announce their pregnancies, so I should just keep trying right?

I feel so envious of the people that believe that there's a grand plan. I know they are aching too, but they can confidently say that they believe everything will work out in the end. I, on the other hand, feel like things rarely work out just the way I want. The only thing Ive ever wanted to be is a wife and mother. Ive never been a lucky person, and a part of me wonders if Ive just used up all my luck. There was a time when I never, ever thought I would be with a man as wonderful and giving and perfect as Kael. For the first 2 years of our relationship I kept waiting for him to realize that he could get so much better than me and kick me to the curb. When we got married I cried my eyes out because there was a part of me, even up to just before we said "I do", that didnt think it would ever happen. I am beyond lucky to have him, and there is this annoying little voice in my head that keeps telling me that I already got more than I deserve, why should I ever expect to have even one child, let alone the 3 or 4 I always dreamed of?

I just keep getting this horrid hopeless feeling, and I know thats a dangerous feeling to have, but I cant seem to shake it. I know the drill, and I know it usually goes away around CD3 (who knows when that will be since Clomid tends to make some women's LPs longer), but it feels so much stronger this time. More devastating.

And I need to stop this bad habit. Some women, when depressed go shopping for shoes or something. I go shopping for pets. When I dont have the money for a pet, I get a plant. I got a new betta today. I already love him, he's so cute! Just stunning! I had almost forgotten since Monet's passing. But I dont think its a healthy way to deal with this. I mean, if this goes on much longer, Im going to end up with a tropical rainforest, both flora and fauna, in my house. It took Kael practically dragging me out of the store to keep me from getting another rat, and if I had my way we'd have a new cat, rabbit, rat, 75 gallon tank and maybe a german shepherd or something. Maybe I should take up buying shoes and handbags to deal. It may be cheaper.

Little Mini freak out

I think Im imagining things...but maybe not.

Last night I went to the bathroom and I had slight cramping but I didnt think much of it, thought it was maybe gas. All of a sudden while in the bathroom it felt like AF had come. The cramps were BAD and had me doubled over. Well, I did my business, still trying to convince myself it was gas, and when I wiped there was a little stripe of blood. Not pink, not brown, but red blood as though AF were here.
I almost cried and wiped again. Nothing.
I washed my hands and checked inside. Nada.

I cant figure out where in the hell it came from!
And, even weirder is it happened before. The day before I O'd. Except I was in the shower that time. I was washing, saw some blood on the sponge, freaked, and didnt see any more blood. And I had sudden cramps then too.

I dont know whats going on.
It cant be spotting, right? I mean, spotting doesnt make a sudden stripe of blood out of no where and leave nothing else right?
Im so freaked out.
I kind of want to post it on FF in General TTC or something, but Im kind of embarrassed to.
Someone please tell me this is normal and doesnt mean anything bad is going on!

Almost O-ing

Uhg, Ive been standing on the precipice of ovulation for a week now! But Im sure it is almost here if it hasnt occured already.
My OPK yesterday was more-or-less positive and I was pretty happy with it. Then this morning my test line was darker than the control line. Yay! Never seen that before.

Last night and this morning I had AF-like cramps. Im hoping thats just the Clomid or me ovulating.

Yesterday and the past 3 days or so my cervix has been so high that I couldnt touch it, and now today its very very low. But...that means Ive already ovulated right? But the overtly positive OPK means Im going to ovulate in roughly 24 hours, yes? ....so Im confused.

In any case my temp indicates that as of 7 this morning I havent ovulated. Hopefully tomorrow's will be sky high :)