Pity party

Yup BFN at 11dpo. I know 11dpo is a bit early, but Im pretty sure the negative is accurate.
I was fine with it at first, but as the day went on, I just got depressed. I dont know why, I mean, I was okay with it. Next cycle we are doubling the Clomid, so that increases my chances that much more right? But still the BFN is getting to me. You'd think that after 16 months 12 cycles of them Id be used to it, ya know? I even knew it would be negative this time. I knew the odds were against getting pregnant on the first round of Clomid, plus the 11 BFN cycles before it should have given me a big clue, but still, I so hoped I was wrong.
Im so mad at myself for getting so upset, but still Im upset.
Im starting to feel like I just cant take it any more. I know that compared to some others Im still at the beginning of this journey, but I dont know how much more I can take! I feel like Im losing it. Im so sick of it! But if I stop trying, its not like its going to hurt any less when I see cute babies or toddlers in the grocery store or when my freinds announce their pregnancies, so I should just keep trying right?

I feel so envious of the people that believe that there's a grand plan. I know they are aching too, but they can confidently say that they believe everything will work out in the end. I, on the other hand, feel like things rarely work out just the way I want. The only thing Ive ever wanted to be is a wife and mother. Ive never been a lucky person, and a part of me wonders if Ive just used up all my luck. There was a time when I never, ever thought I would be with a man as wonderful and giving and perfect as Kael. For the first 2 years of our relationship I kept waiting for him to realize that he could get so much better than me and kick me to the curb. When we got married I cried my eyes out because there was a part of me, even up to just before we said "I do", that didnt think it would ever happen. I am beyond lucky to have him, and there is this annoying little voice in my head that keeps telling me that I already got more than I deserve, why should I ever expect to have even one child, let alone the 3 or 4 I always dreamed of?

I just keep getting this horrid hopeless feeling, and I know thats a dangerous feeling to have, but I cant seem to shake it. I know the drill, and I know it usually goes away around CD3 (who knows when that will be since Clomid tends to make some women's LPs longer), but it feels so much stronger this time. More devastating.

And I need to stop this bad habit. Some women, when depressed go shopping for shoes or something. I go shopping for pets. When I dont have the money for a pet, I get a plant. I got a new betta today. I already love him, he's so cute! Just stunning! I had almost forgotten since Monet's passing. But I dont think its a healthy way to deal with this. I mean, if this goes on much longer, Im going to end up with a tropical rainforest, both flora and fauna, in my house. It took Kael practically dragging me out of the store to keep me from getting another rat, and if I had my way we'd have a new cat, rabbit, rat, 75 gallon tank and maybe a german shepherd or something. Maybe I should take up buying shoes and handbags to deal. It may be cheaper.