So, I logged on to Myspace and saw this advert:



Is it just me, or is the tummy in the Before picture more attractive than the one that is supposed to be After?
Is something like that really going to sell your product?
Is that what we are saying to women? You look great, but you still need to lose weight. Everyone needs to lose weight.

*sigh*

Things like this really makes me fear for my nieces and really makes me worry about how I will confront these kinds of things if I ever have a daughter.

Not moving.

We're not moving. DH's company didnt get the contract that they were 100% sure they were going to get. They called him and said that they were sorry and would let him know if anything opened up. Fuck them.

Woah. My dad gets it!

For a while, if DH or I brought up anything about us having trouble getting pregnant, dad would make jokes. "Its easy, take the TV out of the bed room." and other such witty *eye roll* sayings.
Lately he seems to get it. This weekend he was pestering me about why I hadnt called my mother to tell her we left to get away from the storm, and I told him that I couldnt stand talking to her because everytime I do she says something to make me mad.
I also told him that I was still mad at her over the last time I saw her over the summer. Some how we got on the subject of the increased rates of infertility and she said that she believes that infertility is caused by the Earth knowing that it is over populated and that it is spreading "diseases" to fix the problem. She also said that infertile women just needed to accept that they couldnt have kids and that it was for the good of the planet.
When I told dad what she said I think his jaw almost hit the ground, and I am still so mad over it that it took a lot to keep from crying. After I went to bed that night, DH and dad stayed up talking and DH said that he was really upset over my mother saying that to me. Really upset.

Then we went out to dinner in San Antonio at Mi Tierra and I was getting frustrated because it seriously seemed like every woman between the ages of 15 and 40 were pregnant but me. I thought it was just me being my usual bitter, infertile self seeing baby bellies left and right, but then dad suddenly said "Geez! What's with the water in this town?? There are pregnant women everywhere!" I just looked at my plate and muttered "Yeah, tell me about it." and dad just apologized like crazy. He said he was so sorry and that it was a really thoughtless thing to mention.

I almost started crying. Im so used to my friends and family just brushing over the topic or trying to "help" by telling me to relax or get drunk or have sex standing up or whatever stupid thing they were doing when they got pregnant that I didnt know hoe to react to my dad being sensitive about it.

I think my step mom has a lot to do with it. My step sister kind of went through this. I didnt know just how much she went through til recently. All I ever knew was that she found out that she couldnt have kids. That even though she was only 25 or so, she had waited too long; which probably spearheaded my desperate desire to be a mom before the age of 23 and my intense feeling of failure at being almost 26 and still childless. My (step)mom was my (step)sister's shoulder to cry on through all of that so my (step) mom saw the pain it causes in her other daughter and now Im going through it too. I get the feeling that she probably had a talk (or a few talks) with dad about it. But dad doesnt completely avoid the topic, which sometimes makes you feel like just as much of an outcast as when people brush aside your feelings, but he said things about it and really seemed to understand that it is intensely painful.

Im kind of in shock. Its a weird feeling. My family gets it. Wow. Its indescribable.

CRAP!

Uhg!
A few days ago I used an OPK on a whim and to my complete surprise it was positive. Even though we are technically on a break this cycle it was still so refreshing to see that my cycle is getting back to normal (for me) and Im actually ovulating.
Cervical position and cm confirmed that I was ovulating. Temperature seemed to confirm it, but on one morning I over slept and on the next a phone call woke me up, so naturally they were high.

This mornign it was low. Lower than low. Way to low for me to have ovulated. More than a degree and a half lower than yesterday.

CRAP!!!

How could I have a positive OPK and all the other signs and not have ovulated???

So now I just go back to wait wait waiting. Wait for AF. Wait to O. Wait to find out if we are moving. Wait to see if and when I can continue IF treatments. Wait wait wait.

Under Construction

I'm currently working on trying to fix up this blog's layout to look the way I want, rather than use a premade. Its taking me some time to get used to the coding for this site, so please bear with me. Colors may change, colors may be wrong, things could be moved, I could screw up royally and things could be completely illegible for a spell.
I apologize if anything is blinding or annoying.

Once I get it the way I want I will be wanting 100% honest opinions. Things look different on different computers, so Im going to need the comments. You have been warned ;)

Im sick of being sick

Ok, so Im not sick per se, but Ive been feeling so lousy that its making me feel sick.

Ive had constant cramping for over a week. Sometimes it is barely noticeable or just feels like pressure on my belly, and other times it feels like AF is going to be here any minute! All I can do is curl up on the couch or bed and pray for it to stop.
Ive also been getting off and on pain on the right side. Its not severe or debilitating, but it does hurt pretty bad and is starting to annoy. It feels like someone is poking me from the inside with a dull, hot knife.
Im trying not to let it worry me, but it is. Im starting to really wish I had been temping so that I at least could know where in my cycle I am and maybe shed more light on why I feel like crap.
Even if I have a normal cycle for me, then AF isnt due til late next week sometime...maybe later, so it is WAY too early for me to be having these cramping problems, plus, having them for the past week? Im just confused.

And now today Im bloated, have a headache and feel generally achy all over.
I still have some things to clean and some painting to do before some folks come in to town this weekend, and I feel like crap. Im probably not going to be able to get things as clean and pretty as I would like. I guess they will just have to deal with my house in a "lived in" kind of status than sparkly clean and organized ;)

DAMNIT!

We're not out of limbo. Uhg.

DH had an interview with the new company today and said he got the impression that they plan on hiring everyone on. So, thats good at least, we wont be out of a job, BUT (there's always a 'but') the current company claims that they are still desperately searching for a place for all those that would like to move out of this horrid town.
They will (supposedly) find out about a contract with the Air Force on Sept 10th. Bear in mind, though, this is the same contract that we were supposed to hear about exactly a year ago. The contract that was supposed to get us to San Antonio. The government put off their decision by a month, then another month, then 6 months, and so on. So, I have very little confidence that we will find out anything. Also, right around the same time we should be hearing about another contract with the Air Force--the one that would take us to Oklahoma or Missouri. But, that job wouldnt start til about the first of the year, so, we would either stay here til then, or they would try to find us a place somewhere, who knows where.

I was starting to make plans on what to do with the house. I mean, there's different frames of mind. There's the Seller's mind and the Keeper's mind. For example, if we were to stay here, then the guest room would stay blue. If we are selling, its getting painted beige. If we are keeping, I want a green accent wall in out bedroom. If we are selling, it should all be beige. If we are keeping, then I want a nice stove that perfectly matches the dishwasher and fridge, if we are selling, we are just going to give the current, nice dishwasher to the inlaws and buy plain, fairly cheap stove and dishwasher for the house.

Im so sick of this crap. Seriously. I do feel better, though, that the date is getting closer. I mean, the contract is up October 1st, so at least by then we will know something!!