It's back

....and look how subtle, sensitive and easy to close it is.





jerks.

Someone Else that just doesnt get it...

So, I filled out that review thing that FF gets you to fill out every so often. Per usual I put down the same things I always do. Yes things are great. Yes its very helpful. Yes there are a few things I would like to see added but overall the site is great. This time, however, I added that it seemed very insensitive to announce their new Pregnancy symptom analyzer thing the way they did. It was big, in-your-face, can't avoid it. It seemed rather insensitive to me to introduce it in that way when who knows how many women on the site are struggling with IF an not just TTC. I just thought they could have introduced the feature with a bit more subtlety. With a bit more compassion. Rather than:
LOOK! This is GREAT! We will rate how high your chances of pregnancy are based on your "symptoms"! All you TTCers, here's yet another thing to obsess and drive yourself crazy over! And all you IFers, here's yet another reminder that out there right now are countless women reveling in their blissful ignorance and analyzing signs that you know really mean nothing.

Ok, I didnt tell that to them exactly that way. Just that I wished they'd have been a bit more sensitive.
So, I get an email in reply to it that said they were sorry that I felt that way and that there was a "close" link.
NO SHIT!
How dumb am I? I saw that banner, got really irritated and a bit hurt and I just left the banner there. I by no means saw that little blue "close" as my lifeline to sanity and clicked it immediately. That would be idiotic!

Ya know, yeah, maybe I am overly sensitive about it all and was overreacting. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut about it. But they asked for what I would change, and I told them. I'm certain I'm not the only one to feel this way, so I thought I would just mention it. No biggie. Then they email me and patronize me? WTFever.

Possible PCOS

So I had blood works done, and it indicates that I have PCOS. Im just sure how serious to take the test. That stuff is supposed to be done on CD3. I had it done on CD63. To confuse things further I have read some things that say the test for the testosterone is only accurate on CD3, and other sources say that, no, its accurate any time. I called my doctor's nurse to ask about it and she said that they often do these tests mid-cycle, then do another test later on CD3 "to confirm". She said, though, that given my levels and "ovulation history and cycle lengths" its a pretty safe bet that I have PCOS anyway. Not that I disagree.
The last doc said she didn't see any reason to believe that I have PCOS, but she wanted me to try Met-- contradiction there? This new one, when I saw her, I asked her about it, and told her that I get those annoying wiry hairs on my neck and my face is always broken out, and that I really just can't lose weight, no matter what I do. She looked at my charts and said that it was "very possible" that I had it.
She still wants me to do the HSG to be sure that there are no problems there. I mean, whats the point in assaulting my body with met and Femara to make me ovulate if I have blocked tubes?

I'm kind of having trouble with the idea of having PCOS. Ive always known it was a possibility, or even probability, but I was able to push it out of my mind and console myself with "well, who cares if I have PCOS. I'm ovulating and that's 90% of the battle."
But this annovulatory cycle has kind of hit me hard. I keep going back to all my old charts and re-analyzing them. Did I really ovulate? Did I take the temps right? Am I seeing something that isnt there? Have I not gotten pregnant because I'm actually not ovulating?
I hate all of this doubt and confusion. I want to go back to the days when I was confident that I was going to get pregnant, and that it was going to be easy. It was just going to happen.
It doesnt help that my sister found out she had PCOS when she was about my age. Granted that was when PCOS was a fairly new diagnosis, but she wasn't ever able to have kids. That worries me. I know she's come to terms with it, but It was a long road to get there. Plus, it really upset my (step)mom to see my (step)sister go through all of that (I didnt know how much til recently when I started opening up to her about all of this IF crap) and I dont want to be responsible for putting her through all of that all over again.
I'm trying so desperately not to think about it. It's just too much. Too overwhelming. Mostly because I'm still pretty sure that I have endo. I mean, possibly PCOS and Endo? Do I have any chance at all to get pregnant? I just can't bear thinking about it. But I can't bear ignoring it either.


The good news, though, is we filled out the paperwork for the new insurance. We're officially covered. Right now we are really only covered for emergencies. So, if DH goes in to anaphylaxis or if I fall down the stairs again and break a bone, we are covered. Yay. We just have to wait for the cards to be covered for anything else.
One draw back is that while reading through all of that stuff, we saw that there's a $10,000 limit on infertility. *grumbles* So, why would they even bother putting that they cover up to 6 IUIs and 2 IVFs if they only cover $10k? Wouldnt an HSG, lap and 2 IUIs take up every dime of that $10k? But I can't complain too much because that saves us $10k, and keeps us from having to take out a home equity loan to pay for getting pregnant and the pregnancy.
Plus, now I can maybe get the oral surgery done that I need, and DH can go to an allergist like he's been needing to since he was in high school. That's a major load off.

So, today is kind of another new beginning in this TTC/IF journey. First day of Metformin. Here's hoping that the Met is different that almost any drug I've ever taken and gives me very few side effects. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Update...

Since Candice asked (thanks Candice *mwah!*) Renoir passed away.
I tried desperately to get him to eat some peas, but he refused, and a fish isnt like a dog where you can just shove it down their throats.
Im really upset over it. He was doing a lot better yesterday. I had very high hopes. When I got up this morning he was gone.

I feel miserable over it. If I just could have figured out some way to get him the eat the peas. Maybe if I put him in a smaller tank for a spell with some meds. Maybe Maybe Maybe If If If.
Its very likely that there was nothing I could have done. 'Course, there's a chance that the "pea cure" could have saved him.

Part of me never wants to get another betta again. I get so attached to them. They have such cute little individual personalities. And another part of me hates seeing this tank empty and thinks that nothing can fill it better than a betta. There are several other fish I could put in there, but a betta just suits the tank so well.

Either way, I will miss Renoir just like I miss Monet.

Maybe Insurance?

I feel like my head is going to explode.
The new company gave DH the papers on the insurance they are offering. It is still just as hellishly expensive as it was with the last company (thanks Union, I appreciate that.), but, its good insurance. It would cover quite a bit of IF and almost everything of maternity. But I'm not sure if that's worth the extra $600 a month it would cost. We can probably do it, but it would sting. A lot. And naturally I would have to get a job, but right now the only places hiring are HEB and Whataburger. So, I'd have to go back to working nights, weekends and making less than $6 an hour.
But being able to get pregnant would be worth it, right?

It might not even be an option, though. The rules with this insurance aren't clear on what qualifies as a pre-existing condition. It could be that because I just recently had an infertility consult, they wont cover any of it. So, it'd be a moot point anyway. It might only be worth it to pick up the insurance when we get ready to do IUI or IVF in hopes that I will get pregnant and the insurance will cover the pregnancy.

I think our plan right now is to wait a week or two and see if the previous company is going to call about the job here in Corpus. That job doesnt start til February, but its the company that, when there is no Union, has kick-ass, affordable insurance. And there is no Union for the job here in Corpus.
I'm not sure what to do if the HSG comes up before that two weeks. I dont want to put off the HSG. That means waiting at least one more cycle and who knows how long that will be. Could be just one month. Could be 3 or 4. Im ready to get this testing stuff done. Im ready to start seeing all those things ticked off the checklist. I really dont want to put it off now that we've finally got the ball rolling.
But putting off the HSG means that if they find something then it really will be a pre-existing condition, and if we dont get the job here in Corpus then we are royally screwed.

Im just feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.


AND I think my little betta is dying :(
I think he has a swim bladder disorder. The general course of treatment for it is to fast him for 2-3 days, then feed him a couple of peas, then wait a day and slowly add aquarium salt to his water, and slowly build up his appetite again.
Well, Tuesday he just seemed a little off. I couldnt put my finger on what was wrong. I started the fast on Tuesday night. So, I can't feed him the pea til tomorrow. He seems to be getting worse. FAST! He's having trouble getting to the top of his tank to breathe, and when he rests at the bottom, he seems to have trouble staying upright and drifts to his right side.
I hate that he's sick. It makes me feel like crap. Makes me feel even worse that the treatment is to do nothing! I can't help him.
And if the fast and pea treatment doesnt work, then, well, there is really nothing I can do. Other than watch him die.
Ive decided though, that if he doesnt make it, no more bettas. I love them. They have their own little personalities and are so beautiful and quirky, but it just breaks my heart when they pass. He's supposed to have a 5 year lifespan and I can't keep him from getting sick in 6 months??
At least, when I have tetras it doesnt phase me too much when they pass. Its just "Oh, we lost one". Thats it.

Here's the plan

I feel like there is this long road in front of me with many forks and forks off of those forks, and it looks intimidating, but I also feel relieved that I'm not wandering in the forest in the dark any more. No matter how intimidating the path is, at least I can see it now.

I met with the new doc today and I rather like her. She is very to the point and doesn't sugar coat things. I like that.

The plan right now is to wait for AF. If the Provera does its job, then that shouldn't be too much longer. When AF finally decides to visit I have to call the doc's nurse and schedule an HSG. Its probably going to be a bit of a wait for that-- or at least feel like it. She said that for most women she prefers to have the HSG done around CD10, but given that I tend to have 7-8 day periods, and that I don't typically ovulate til CD 25 or later, we are thinking that an HSG anywhere between CD12 and CD20 is better for me (I'm rooting for the 12).

Here's the forks.
If the HSG is clear:
• We try Femara. Not sure for how long. Pretty much as long as I am comfortable with. Could be one cycle, could be 6.
• If the Femara fails, then we decide between three roads-- If Im still convinced I have endo, we go to San Antonio and have a lap done up there. If I want to skip the lap, we jump right in to IUI, and for that I can stay here and do it, or go to San Antonio. Third option, is if I feel that there could be something more subtle going on than just a blocked tube, I go to San Antonio for another HSG and possibly a lap with it.
Hopefully, somewhere along that road I will get my first BFP. If I don't, then the road gets a little foggy.

If the HSG isn't clear:
• We just skip this doctor, thank her for her help and go to an RE in San Antonio to see if it can be cleared.
• Jump head first in to IVF
• And then a whole bunch more foggy roads that depend on the specific outcome of the HSG.

I am still so unbelievably relieved that this is a "me" problem and not an "us" problem. It just feels like it is so many fewer hurdles to cross.
And *holds up glass of wine* Here's hoping that the first little bullet up there gets me my BFP ;)

Trying to wrap my head around this

So, went to the doc today.

1) DH's SA came back great! Count, motility and morphology all above normal.

2) I got Provera to kick start AF. Im on CD59 and Im 99.9% sure I havent ovulated, so who knows when AF would decide to show on her own.

3) I got referred to another doc. This new doc is supposed to specialize in IF, even though she's an Ob-gyn.
Im kind of nervous about the new doc. My current doc was trying to push me in to taking Clomid a few more months. I flat refused and said that I am never taking that stuff again. The psychological side effects were just too much. She seemed to act like it was impossible to do IUI without Clomid. And, when I suggested that Ive got an inkling that I have endo, she seemed to think that a dx of endo isnt very important. She said that if endo is suspected, they typically do an IUI and after "several" failed IUIs, they do a laparoscopy and HSG. That seems a bit bass ackwards to me.

I'm hoping the new doc won't give me such a bad vibe about it all and will listen a bit more, and maybe explain a bit more.
If the new doc does give me a bad vibe I think Im just going to have to break down and go to San Antonio for everything else. I'll be able to stay with my parents in San Marcos at least and save some money. It just sucks that I might have to go 200+ mi to find a doc that can help me.

So, now I just wait out the weekend for the next appt.
No matter how worried I am, I feel so relieved! I almost cried when the doc said DH's SA was great. That had me so worried. Not only because it would be another hurdle to cross, but because I can't imagine the kind of stress DH would have put himself under. That would have torn me up. Im so glad that we dont have to worry about that and that there is one more thing checked off the list.